Group Adaptive Story of DOOM
by Poppyseedstuff
Summary: It's wierd. It's a BuffyDS9VNextGenvarious other Sci-Fi shows crossover. WARNING: Lots of wierdness. Has some relashionships from shows.
1. Default Chapter

This is a story created by many, many authors at 5MV. It's strange, it's weird, it's called a "Group Adaptive Story". The authors are: Well, actually, they would like to remain anonymous due to sci-fi genre conflicts.  
  
"John closed his eyes as he leaned back in the train seat. The vehicle's hypersmooth thrumming was soothing, but it didn't ease the worries he felt. Suddenly, he heard giggling, and opened his eyes, only to be greeted by the sight of a little girl on the opposite row whispering into her mother's ear. He looked down and realized his socks were mismatched: one was red and the other was blue. He laughed, despite himself.  
  
The train arrived at his station and he disembarked. To his surprise, his girlfriend was waiting for him on the platform. As he ran over to greet her, the station was rocked by a gigantic blast......"  
  
"For most of the world, however, the morning was peaceful. Geordi, for example, had taken advantage of his leave by sleeping in till eleven. Now he sat quietly at the restaurant table, perusing an article in the local newspaper about a capybara that had been trained to spell out 'w-o-m-b-a- t'.  
  
His communicator beeped. Geordi closed his eyes and silently cursed the author for ruining yet another peaceful vacation before tapping it. 'LaForge here.'  
  
'Picard here. Sorry to interrupt your time off, but Admiral Nocheeseyet has requested an emergency meeting of all senior officers--Troi, myself, Data, Worf, Riker, Doctor Crusher, and you*--in thirty minutes to discuss a string of terrorist attacks across the Federation. I gather there may be a serious security breach by a foreign power at the root of this. Lieutenant Saxama will provide you with the beaming coordinates.'"  
  
"John and his girlfriend (Can I give her a name?) ran for cover from the flying debris from the explosion. They could here ships flying overhead, but not the familiar federation sound. John paused briefly to look up to get a glimpse of the attacking ships. He remembered from his studies that the ships were Klingon Bird of Prey. He wondered how they got past Earth's defenses. There was another explosion behind him. He turned around quickly, only to see his girlfriend trapped under some debris."  
  
Josie the Angry Cow was grazing one day when she saw the door to a nearby house was open. She went over to look at what was inside this house, and received the shock of her life. Farmer Joe, who had grown grass for her for so long and had always been so nice to her, was laying in bed, dead. Josie tried to go inside to get a better look, but she tragically was unable to fit through the doorway, so she simply decided to dejectedly walk away in that silly way cows have, alone and distraught.  
  
I also humbly suggest that some small, tiny, infinitesimal effort might be made to actually keep scenes vaguely related to each other, perhaps existing in the same general universe. Following Geordi LaForge up with Josie the Angry Cow do not seem to bode a good start. It's amusing, yes, but personally, it doesn't seem like much fun to write the story like that. A story can be funny and ridiculous, and that's great, but if it's just a disconnected random jumble - well, disconnected random jumbles just aren't all that funny.  
  
"John was frantically trying to free his girlfriend from the trapped rubble when he heard the familiar whining sound of the transporter beside him. Thinking it was a rescue team, he turned towards the sound, only to find himself staring at a... cow?  
  
Josie was confused. One moment she had been standing in Farmer Joe's field, and now she was standing in the middle of this dark, smoky and quite alarming place, staring at a pop-eyed man with grime on his face and mismatched socks. What in the world was going on?"  
  
Geordi on the otherhand, was beamed to the farm where Josie once was. All of the other senior officers were already there. They were all confused because this was not the place of the meeting. They tried their com-badges, but they were not working. They decided to look around and try to find clues. They went inside the house, and while using their tricorders, they found the owner of the house to whom Josie thought was dead. Actually, he was dying. He told the crew that his name was Neo and that he is a Caretaker, and that when he started dying, the Klingons were able to get past the Caretakers defenses. He sent his cow to find the man with the mismatched socks, who is the caretakers long lost son.  
  
As Neo gasped his last, the gaggle of officers was startled to hear a strange, drawn-out mechanical, almost grating noise. La Forge, who happened to be the ranking officer out of the group, led them outside with their phasers drawn, to be confronted by the rather incongruous sight of an antiquated blue police telephone box. "What the heck is that?" exclaimed La Forge. One of the other officers, wearing the blue of a science officer, nervously stepped forward. "It's a, a telephone box. They were used in twentieth century Britain by the police force of the time before the advent of mobile radio trans..." He was cut off by the door swinging noisily open, and the appearance of a man in a large coat wearing a ridiculously long scarf, a blonde woman and, bizzarely, a small robotic dog. There was a long moment of silence, broken at last by the blonde woman, who, after a rather thatrical sigh, tured to her companion and said "We're lost again, aren't we?"  
  
Just as the doctor and his friends were trying to figure out where they were, an interdimensional vortex opened up and out came four figures. "Well," Quinn said hastily, trying to cover up their method of arrival, "we're from Canada."   
  
here was a long and awkward pause.  
  
"Who the bloody hell are you?" Professor Arturo asked. "And what's going on?"  
  
"We don't...err...know," Romana said.  
  
"Aw, hell," they all said together.  
  
"That cow looks angry," Wade added.  
  
The cow was indeed disgruntled. The telephone box had managed to land squarely on the secret opening to the underground shelter that held the device that would disable the cow's disguise. So the cow had to walk all the way to the son's house without even a faint smidgen of a hope of getting a ride.  
  
He rapped on the door and mooed. After a minute, the door opened and a man poked his head out.  
  
"Oh, hullo there, Uncle Morpheus," the man said carelessly. "Does Father want me to go see him?"  
  
The cow mooed in what could almost have been Morse code.  
  
"Mentally unstable visitors, huh? All right, give me a moment and I'll get my shotgun."  
  
Private Log of La Forge: I had seen enough. Earth was under attack, there is a mad cow on the loose, and the crew is stuck on a farm with Bill and Ted (Doctor, Romana and K9). What else could go wrong? Anyway, how hard would it be for a cow to find someone with mismatched socks. Aren't cows colorblind? I know I wouldnt be able to find him. I hope we arent stuck in the Gamma Quadrant, or whereever Voyager ended up. I am just going to sit on this rock and wish I was in my own bed. On second thought, the blonde chic is hot. Anyway, I must find a way to get off this farm.  
  
"Observe," said Data, patiently. "This sock is blue. This scok is red. It also has little yellow circles, commonly referred to as 'polka dots,' upon it, while the blue on does not. Can you see the differences between these two socks?"  
  
"Moooo," said Josie.  
  
"So they are not a pair, correct, Josie? They are mismatched. Mismatched, Josie."  
  
"Moooooo."  
  
Data turned to Riker. "I think we are making some progress, sir."  
  
Quinn thought a moment. Then said "Hold it...we're from Canada, but...mismatched socks are an INTENTIONAL act.Therefore, it is not some sort of birthright. Therefore, this could be an IMPOSTER! Therefore..." Then Picard emerged from under a hay stack and said "Excuse me, but I am the ranking officer here. Quinn, shut up. Troi, read everyone's mind. Geordi, use your visor to take readings. Worf, fire at Will. Sweet, wonderful Crusher...tend to Will." Everyone did that, until The Caretaker told everyone some important revelation...  
  
"The cow... is in the wrong place! I sent her to look for my son a couple of minutes ago... why is she back here?"  
  
"It must have been a backwash from the eddies in the spacetime fabric caused by the arrival of the Sliders," mused Geordi. "Could you send her-- and all of us back to where your son is?"  
  
"I've got a better idea," said Quinn, and suddenly there was a bright light...  
  
Meanwhile, back at the train station, Neo's son, John, was in a panic. His girlfriend was still trapped underneath the rubble and he had no way to get it off of her. He was so distracted, that he didnt realize that Josie was gone. He held on to his girlfriends hand and told her that she was going to be ok. At that moment, a bright light appeared. When the light dissappeared, he saw that Josie and the crew standing there. Data noticed the girl trapped, so he lifted the debris off her, while Crusher looked over her. Picard walked over to John and said, "You must be the one." John was puzzled. Josie said, "Moo Moo Mooooo!" John got this eerie feeling because he knew what Josie said. John said, "I guess it is time then." "I knew it was coming," John said. "I always used to ask Dad, 'How will I know?' And he'd say, 'You'll know, John. You'll know, because when the entire train station blows up all around you, that's kind of hard to miss.'"  
  
"Are you saying that blowing up train stations is one of your latent powers as 'the One'?" Picard asked.  
  
"I'm afraid so," said John. "That, summoning cows, telekinetic power over cheese, and the ability to pull live eels out of thin air."  
  
He pulled himself up. "And now that my powers have begun to develop... I must start on my journey."  
  
Suddenly, the roof caved in on Picard.  
  
Data tried to free Picard, but failed miserably. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Scoobies appeared. "Oops" said Willow "I guess I kinda stuck us in the Sci-Fi demention while bringing Tara and Anya back so Xander and I can be happy." Buffy quickly helped Data with the collapsed roof, while Xander set about rebuilding the train station, while Tara and Willow Googled "train station collapse in alternate universe". After all that action, Spike and Buffy went to the restroom to....talk...and Anya said to Picard "Picard, would you like to avenge who did this to you?" Picard said "I'de wish someone would fire at Will. It's always his fault. He should not have been trying to figure out what happens when you ram a train into in 20th century rail station" Instantly, Will Riker...  
  
Ensign Janeway suddenly appeared and gave Picard a black box. She told him to save it for a rainy day. Janeway dissapeared as soon as she had appeared. At that moment it started to rain. Picard opened the black box....(to be continued)  
  
Josie ran off someplace and started her own band. She always wanted to do something that that.  
  
Worf overheard "Fire at will", so he fired at the nearest thing, the recently finished train station.  
  
The scarred man looked up at Michael. Michael hated when he did that. The scarred man was much more comfortable to be around when you didn't see him. Not that he could see him - the room was pitch dark, as always. But he could feel him looking at him.  
  
"Have they found John yet?" the man asked.  
  
"They have," Michael answered. "Though they seem to be having... troubles. Encounters with fictional characters."  
  
"Excellent," mused the scarred man. "All is going according to plan."  
  
What plan?, Michael thought to himself, as always.  
  
"This plan" said the scarred man "here, come into my time travel transmorgaphire". They got in. They were in the train station.  
  
Picard realized at once who had come. It was a scarred Khan.  
  
"Oh, BTW, Picard, you turned down my advances at the Kaffe Confrence on Koffeeola fifteen years ago, so I decided to give you Khan, who believes the Scoobies are fictional characters. He's gone nutty" Janeways said as she hopped on the train, as Xander had already rebuilt the station a second time, with Willow's special help.  
  
"Oh Picard, I knew you've always loved me" said Riker. Crusher hit him with a spell she had learned from Tara.  
  
"Hey, Khan here! Dont you want to hear my evil plan, which is..."  
  
"... to give everybody in the world a sex change!"  
  
Picard blinked and looked surprised. "And what would THAT acheive?"  
  
"Nothing," said Khan, "I just like doing things for the heck of it."  
  
Just then, Josie the cow bellowed and charged right at Khan. Khan let out a yell and toppled right into John, and the two of them suddenly disappeared in a flash of light.  
  
A flash of light. Khan and John momentarily ceased their struggling, taking in their strange new surroundings. Picard and all the others were gone; so was the train station. Instead, they were surrounded by crowds of happy people, who were yellow, head to toe. Roller coasters abounded, as did giant beer cans and strange yellow lakes and fountains.  
  
"Duffland!" Khan hissed. "Why have you brought me here?"  
  
"Me?!" said John. "Why did you bring me here?"  
  
"Moooo," they heard, and looked up to see Josie looking at them serenely. Her meaning was clear. I brought you here. Josie said, "You two are brothers. Your father is dead, and now the fate of the Earth is in your hands. One of you must go take the place of your father."  
  
Kahn and John said, "Brothers?"  
  
All of a sudden, Agents come out of nowhere. Kahn and John were surrounded.  
  
Josie shouted, "Use your abilities!!"  
  
John said, "What abilities?" *knocks out an agent* "Oh, those abilities."  
  
"Whoo hoo! This is fun!" exclaimed John as he happily knocked out agent after agent. Khan, meanwhile, ducked under Josie and watched the fireworks.  
  
Suddenly, there was a monstrous sound, and John turned around and blinked in terror. Standing before him was a huge....  
  
...Agent, dressed like an enormous can of Duff in a black suit.  
  
"I am Agent Duff," he said. "You will drink Duff. Duff is good. Reeeeeal good..."  
  
Then he toppled over backwards into the Duff fountain.  
  
From somewhere in the crowd, John heard a faint, "Ha-ha!"  
  
"Oh yeah!" said Duffman.  
  
John was tempted to drink because fighting agents took alot out of him. So he walked up to the fountain. Josie interupted and said "Only The One will be able to use the fountain." Kahn heard this, so he ran to the fountain and knocked John out of the way. He pressed the button, but nothing happened. John got back to his feet and tried the button himself. At that moment, something odd happened. Strange lights appeared. When the lights went away, Josie was no longer a cow. The spell was broken. Josie was now a woman, an attractive one.  
  
"That's what Duff can do for you! Oh, yeah!" said Duffman.  
  
Suddenly, a giant dustbin exploded.  
  
"Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!" cried Willow, who had just teleported the Scoobies. Duffman was thrusting at the dustbin.  
  
"Josie!" cried Xander and Tara at the same time, "Why, what are you doing here?"  
  
"you know this woman?" said Khan. John took the momentery lapse in Khan's concentration to give him the Vulcan Nerve pinch.  
  
"Wow" said John"I've learned a lot from T'Pol's lessons"  
  
Suddenly, T'Pol and Giles stepped out of the debris. "Buffy, John you have learned all you can from us. Now you must go with Josie to continue your journey".  
  
Giles looked at T'Pol and got out a candy bar. "Band candy?" he said.  
  
T'Pol said, "It would be illogical for you to offer it only to me, seeing as you have two boxes of it."  
  
"Okay, band candy for all!" replied Giles.  
  
And with that, everyone ate band candy. Suddenly they were all transformed into 16 year olds again. T'Pol asked Xander out. Picard and Crusher boogied. Tara conjured a stereo. Everyone got down 'n dirty dancing until the strangest two people started to dance together...  
  
Everybody turned to look at them. The two danced on obliviously, until Xander kicked the stereo over. The two looked up sheepishly.  
  
"Data," John asked, "Where the heck did you manage to find Hillary Clinton?"  
  
"Well," said Data, "she was in the dustbin that exploded."  
  
The crew of Voyager was going about its own business as usual when all of a sudden Hillary Clinton suddenly appeared in the mess hall. Everyone was confused. Hillary said "I dont know how I got here. Before I appeared here, I was talking to a cow named Josie. Captian Picard was there too." The mentioning of Josie peaked Janeway's interest because she knew what that meant, Earth was in trouble. However, Voyager had no way of getting home any quicker. Hillary and Janeway talked privately about the recent events on Earth, such as the attack by the Klingons.  
  
"Bingely-bingeley-beep," said the demon. "Three pee em. The One is found. Three oh five pee em - the One defeats Khan."  
  
The twelve men, frozen in ice, listened to the demon Dis-Organizer with bated breath.  
  
"Appointments," the demon continued, "Five thirty pee em: get freed by the One."  
  
The twelve men let out a cheer, their faces being the only parts of them not completely encased in the solid ice wall. Their cheers echoed across the cavern, incidentally making it quite impossible to hear the demon continuing, "Six thirty pee em - three of our number turn to lime jello."  
  
Buffy rushed in and said"Yah know, I never did like lime jello"  
  
Buffy slayed the demons and then started to sing "Jailhouse rock". T'Pol and Giles, still high on band candy, joined in. In fact, everyone joined in. Even Janeway and Josie and Harry and the rest, who had just been teleported by Willow, Tara and Josie. Josie and her band joined in with their drums, guitar, and bass. Just then, Crusher and a very angry Picard stepped in.  
  
"Who stole my hair! I'm only 16! Where's my hair!"  
  
Suddenly, Kirk popped in with a bad wig.  
  
"Picard, we have some issues to work out between you, me, and those half- slayed demons"  
  
Just then they were all interrupted by the TARDIS materialising. "I have to spoil all your fun," said the Doctor emerging from the interior of the blue Police Box. "but there is a large space-ship full of very annoyed Cybermen on their way here as I speak. Apparently they found out about John being the One and all that, though why they're so annoyed I don't know." "Perhaps it's your scarf?" suggested one of the men embedded in the ice. K9 immidiately spun round to face the man, extended his laser, and proceded to fire. Unfortunately, the beam refleced off the ice and zapped two of the other men as well. The three men then proceeded to slowly turn into green jello. "Doctor!" cried Romana. "How could you let him do that?" "Hah," replied the Doctor. "That's nothing compared to what Ace would've done. Nice use of the 'jello setting' there by the way, K9." Suddenly, the ground started to shake violently....  
  
Suddenly, Quark Snyder walked in.  
  
"Hey, both of the franchises I was in are in this, so here I am! Buffy, get to work. Picard, I have some Deupertian Hair-Gro for you. Worf, I'm confused, are you DS9 or Next Gen?"  
  
Buffy said,  
  
"Um, Quark Snyder, you've never had a date on either series, have you? And your brother is Grand Superintendent of SunnyFririgi."  
  
Odo came in the same wierd way Quark Snyder came in.  
  
"Quark Snyder, you are under arrest for time travel technobabble"  
  
Quark Synder punched Odo in the face. Picard cheered. "Barfight! Barfight!" howled Kim and Paris delightedly. Buffy watched the two combatants grapple while rolling her eyes. "Does anyone realize we're on a time limit here?"  
  
Everyone looked up at the clock at the top of the screen. Buffy said, "We must beat this video game before time runs out, or we will have to do this all over again. Defeating Vampires is easier than this." Data said, "I must point...". Everyone said "Shut up Data!" Meanwhile, Quark saw an opportunity to make some money over this game. Odo got up and punched Quark in the face, ending his good idea to make money. Buffy continued to play the game, Picard read some Shakespeare, and Kim and Paris played in the holodeck. A few minutes later, John walked out of the bathroom and said, "Im ready to continue now." Everyone stopped what they were doing and followed John back to the scene of the action, which was when the ground was shaking violently.  
  
There they found a large group of even-more-annoyed-than-they-were-before Cybermen."Do you know how many times we've had to land then take-off again just wating for you lot to get back?" exclaimed the by now downright ticked- off Cyberleader. "Sheesh - at least the Doctor is usually punctual".  
  
"Errr - Odo wasn't it? - be a good chap and turn yourself into gold, ok?" said the Doctor, looking pointedly at the assembled Cybermen.  
  
"We'll, ah, just be going then. See ya!" said the Cyberleader, and led the group hurridly back into their ship, which then hurridly took off.  
  
"Hah," said the Doctor. "Works every time." "Hmm," Odo mused, "the last time I saw someone mention that word in front of the Cybermen, they went psychotic and killed several bystanders and then themselves."  
  
Crusher just looked puzzled. She failed to get anything constructive done by so behaving, but at least she got in a mention just under the 10-post cut-off.  
  
"Gold. He said Gold. Goldgoldgoldgoldgold. Glod."  
  
"Shut up," said the Cyberleader. "You sound like a drunk dwarf."  
  
"But he said GOLD," said another Cyberman. "I can't... get it... out of my... head!"  
  
"I can't take it anymore!!!!" yelled a third Cyberman. Zeke shot him dead. But another Cyberman, similarly minded (or lack of such), could not get those four awful letters out of his brain. So he did the only thing he could think of - fire the blaster guns to decimate the New York skyscrapers beneath the craft.  
  
Goldmember showed up through a time portal. "Did someone say gold?" asked Goldmember, who then proceeded to deflake himself of one big piece of skin flake. Cyberleader demanded that goldmember go flake in another time zone, so he did. However, he took Zeke with him. Not soon after Austin Powers popped out. "Have any of you groovy mixed up characters seen a guy with a golden penis and the desire to flake in the wrong time zone? Cyberman told him what happened, including the fact that Zeke must return to the normal time zone soon or else things will start to speed up. Austin then left into the portal. "Speed up? That's crazy!!!" shouted everyone. "Yes, and you will start using too many '!' marks," explained Josie. "The death of Neo is affecting time as well it seems like."  
  
"This is all getting very strange indeed," said the Doctor said to himself. "Ten to one the Master has something to do with this...." "Did you say the Master?" enquired Buffy. "I kicked his ass all the way back in season one." "The Doctor Master means the Master, not the Master" exdplained K9, confusing everyone but Romana even more. "Riiiiiiiight," said Dr. Evil. "By the way, have you seen Goldmember anywhere?" Everyone now looked even more confused than they were before. "Doctor," suddenly interrupted K9, "I am recieving a radio signal coming from the direction of Jupiter." "Well, let us hear it then!" exclaimed Romana impatiently. There was a brief crackle of static noise from K9's speaker, then a voice came through. "My God, it's full of pies!" At this point everyone was just about as confused as they could physically be, so thery were therefore slightly startled to hear Josie gasp. "The Piealith! Things are moving quicker than I thought...."  
  
Everyone was now really confused. Willow stepped in.  
  
"Okay, you are now all really confused. Well, let me say this: we are stuck in someone's crazy broadway nightmare."  
  
Tara replied, "Honey, crazy SCI-FI nightmare". Everyone started musing what it could be:  
  
"Bunnies" "Shoes" "Khan" "I'm right here, doofus" "Klingons" "I take offense. It's Tribbles" "Viruses" "Q" "The First Evil" "Snyder" "Quark"  
  
"That's Quark Snyder to you. And I say it's kid aliens late for repayment of homework"  
  
Suddenly, Xander raised his hand. "Oops, um, I never handed in that project for Biology...and I'll pay you for that Red Dwarf Cocktail in the morning"  
  
BOOM. There was a very large explosion, which knocked Willow over onto his back...  
  
Willow got up. "Excuse me, whoever doing this strange narrative voiceover, but I am girl. Who dates girls. Gay now, remember? And also, Bored Now."  
  
"Borg now?" asked Picard."Fire at Will!"  
  
"Jean, we cant. Will hasnt been seen for a while. And she said "Bored now" anyways."  
  
Xander stepped in "No one bugs my best bud Willow. Let's fight TOS style"  
  
Picard and Xander got into the exlposion crater. Huge Q-tips appeared. They started to fight. Their clothes, of course, ripped seductivly for no reason.  
  
Josie stood to the side. "What the heck are they doing?" she mused."Have they forgotten The Mission? Gee, Xander's hot"  
  
Josie yelled "Hit Picard on his shiny head!!" "Hey, no cow tipping," said Picard. Xander had the golden opportunity to bonk Picard on the head, but he was on the ground laughing at what Picard said. Picard then defeated Xander by shoving the giant Q-tip us his ass. Josie explained, "Why do we keep getting sidetracked? We will never save Earth at this rate. The Piealith will reach Earth in less than 3 hours. We must make 47 chili pies before they arrive."  
  
"47 chili pies?" Zeke, who had reappeared for no obvious reason, mused. "Isn't that supposed to be the eleventh sign of the Apocalypse or something?" "Maybe for you it is," Paris muttered.  
  
"Paris! You defamed Wesley! I'm gonna kick your butt!" Dr Crusher said. She grabbed the giant Q-tip and hit Paris over the head. He cried. He went into a comma.Crusher had to treat him. "Xander, poor baby, here's some orgasmic- sounding magicbabble to make you all better!" Willow said. Xander was all better very quickly.  
  
"The Pies! The Pies! The Pies!" cried Josie  
  
Anya began to make pies, and Data and Odo joined in, making pies very quickly. "So what kind of chilli is this? Portchilli?" Anya said."No, chilli jokes are banned. This is rabbit chilli". said Odo. Any ran into Paris's arms crying.  
  
And then, a BOOM OF DOOM came.  
  
"We may be too late" yelled Josie...  
  
"Nope, it was just me farting along with Odo and Xander," said Picard. "You can call us the Three Farts" continued Picard. Josie responded, "Well, your farts are out of tune. Now here is a tuned fart." Josie farted, which stunned everyone in a three mile radius. Just then, Cyberleader got an idea. "With some technobabble, we can create the ultimate farting machine that will save earth from the Piealith." Picard said "You must have been standing too close to Josie, perhaps in the direct path of the fart. You smell like it too."  
  
The Magic Shop was desserted. And suddenly, everyone was there. Picard,Riker,La Forge,Crusher,Wesley,Troi,  
  
Data,Worf,Buffy,Willow,Xander,Tara,Giles,Dawn,Spike,Paris, Cybermen,The Doctor,Goldmember,Austin Powers,Josie and John. Anya had teleported them all there, because she was getting bored of the whole "broken trainstation" thing.  
  
"We...we...well, see, here's the thing: Sci-fi realms are converging. That's why we can all see and talk together. And this Piealith thing, it's causing pastry everywhere to explode." Tara went on, " We are the beginning of a new, strange, world, and Xander started it when he said how hot Archer is, and Andrew agreed, on that s7 ep where a female demon date spears him so wants to "gay it up".  
  
"Well," said Commander Straker, "that goes a long way to explaining what I'm doing here. And remember, you didn't see no UFO's whatsoever." "Are you going to deny their existence or something?" said a sceptical Cybercontroller. "The one we came is parked right over there!" Straker spun around, and seeing that the Cybercontroller was right, quickly ordered Skydiver to destroy it. "Way to go, Cybercontroller," said one of the Cybermen underlings. "Quiet you!" Cybercontroller quickly retorted, and reached behind his back to produce a sigh that said GOLD in large letters and hung it around the offending Cyberman's neck. "Ahhhh! The G-word!" the other Cybermen exclaimed in unison, and shot the one with the sign. S.I.D.'s voice suddenly came through from orbit on Straker's communicator which he had stolen from Barclay. "I am detecting a large cube shaped vessel approacing orbit at a range of twenty-two million kilometres and closing." At this K9 went off into a sulk, and Picard exclaimed, "I was wondering when they'd show up." Then, just to make things worse, there was a flash of light and who should appear but Q.....  
  
"Well, now, lookie here, a sci-fi realm convergence. Silly mortals, you cant even *oof* mdfgrt oegfvr." said Q, until Willow gagged him magically."Q, you're up agaist Willow, Tara, Anya, Austin Powers and the rest. Give up now." Xander said. Q cried.And then..."We are the borg. Restistence is futile."  
  
"Those rats stole my bfriend away once. I'de wish they'de all just turn into philosophy majors and stop trying to conquer the universe" Crusher said. "Granted" said Anya.  
  
"We are the bored. Resillence is futile. If what we did was bad, does that mean we should all go to jail, or because we were forced, does that mean we..."*poof* they all went to UBC. "What's that, in sky, is it a bird, a plane? It's the Piealith!" said Buffy, as her lemon tart exploded. Q looked supremely annoyed for a moment, then turned everybody in sight into furry pink mice. "SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!" exclaimed Willow in annoyance.  
  
Josie, the only one who was not affected, looked around with a frown. "Now, where has John gotten off to?" she wondered. 


	2. Chapter2Pages 3 and 4

A/N: I forgot to add, we own NOTHING. ZIPPO. ZILCH. Except any original characters, we own those. We do not own Star Trek, Buffy, Simpsons, Dr. Who, Austin Powers, Harry Potter, or any other character/places/situations. Also, NAHTMMM is one very brave soul, and would like to say, "I did some of this!"  
  
Thankfully, Willow was used to turning rodents back into people. So she did. But John was still nowhere in sight. Q tried to find him, but then he realized he was stuck in the convergence and could only do little magic tricks. Willow and Xander did an sexually suggestive locator spell, and they found the whole DS9 crew. "Hello Ben, Kira, Jadzia(nice to see you back from the dead) Kai Wen,(ditto) Ezri and Bashir, Rom, Odo, Jake, O'Brien, Gul Dukat, Weyoun/Brunt, Female Shapeshifter, Leeta, Kassidy, Molly, Garak, Damar, and the rest. I'm Quark Snyder, and welcome to The Sci- Fi Convergence."said Quark Snyder.  
  
"Yes, but where is John? I want John! He's beefy" said Josie. And suddenly, 99redluftballoons went by.  
  
The balloons all exploded suddenly, leaving everyone with ringing ears. Rom started screaming hysterically and had to be clubbed into silence by the rest of the DS9 crew.  
  
"The situation is getting worse and worse!" wailed Josie. "SOMETHING must be done!"  
  
Willow then dispatched the Borg ships, though still could not find John. "Maybe he wondered into the TARDIS and got lost?" mused the Doctor. "It wouldn't be the first time you know. I'll send K9 off to search for him". Joise looked thoughtful for a moment, then exclaimed suddenly, "The pies!". Everyone hurried to finish the pies, and the 47th came out of the oven just as the Piealith was visible hoving into view in orbit above them. It glowed brightly for a moment, then spun faster and faster until it eventually exploded and showered the whole world with bits of custard. "Well," said Picard, "that's that out of the way at least."  
  
"Hold it" said Ezri, taking a break from Bashir, "But um, there's another, bigger, scarier Piealith coming our way! Look!"  
  
*smoochies*"Wow, you're right" said Crusher. *Picard/Crusher smoochies*"Maybe this is another Apocolypse" said Spike,with really good sunscreen *Scoobies smoochies* "Puny hu-man students. The River of Homework will take of us" *Quark Snyder doesnt get any smoochies*  
  
John walked in. Josie cheered for joy.  
  
"Our only hope, the one who is powerful enough to cause the Convergence and the Piealith, and stop all this stuff, too" said Q.   
  
John looked around."What? I just went for some pizza"  
  
"What the hell does this have to do with the plot?" Josie said.  
  
"I don't think there even is a plot," Xander said. "It would explain a lot."  
  
"Oh, sod off," the author used Spike to say.  
  
So John used his powers to destroy the Piealith while eating his pizza. Josie said, "That was a cool trick." John also sent everyone back to the places where they belonged with his last ounce of energy. However, he sent everyone to the wrong place, the train station. "Why are we back here again?" asked Odo. Meanwhile back whereever they were, Josie tended to John, who didnt look well. "Josie, you must find the others. I think they are lost in time." exclaimed John with his last breathe.  
  
"That sounds more like my department", said the Doctor emerging from the TARDIS which for some reason had not been affected by John's powers. "Would anyone like some Yantrellian goat's cheese? I found it in the fridge." Noticing Josie's wary look, he replied, "It's perfectly fresh. It's only been in there for a mere 307 years. No time at all really."  
  
"Maybe you should give it to Neelix," croaked John.  
  
Meanwhile, over in the train station everyone was very glum, aoart from Q who was just jealous. Geordi, who had been silent for quite a while, suddenl piped up. "I've been thinking, and all this stuff just seems too wierd to be true. I think we must be on some kind of holodeck." No sooner had he spoken than the station around them started to flicker, everyone (including Josie, John, the Doctor, Romana and K9 who had been in the TARDIS) found themselves in a vast holo-chamber. The doors at the far end opened and who should walk in but Sloane....  
  
"Hi everybody" said Sloane. "Hi secret agent man Sloane" said everybody. "Welcome to the Convergence Centre of Sci-Fi-ness. This was your introduction. We had to make sure you were ready, and since you even knew that you had to have a 'shipper ep, you are ready" said Sloane. "  
  
"Yes, indeed they are. I have been watching from within. I usually do not like these types of tests, but this time it was fun." Giles said."But, Giles, you...watcher!" said Xander.  
  
"Hi, we are the Gaurdians, and Section 31, and the FBI" said the Slayer Guardian."There is a problem: Trite sitcoms are making a comeback, that and bad reality shows.. And we need to make The Ultimate Sci-Fi Show. Welcome. You are the Chosen Ones:BTVS, DS9, NextGen, and the rest."  
  
"But," Picard pointed out, "everytime we all get together, absolute mayhem occurs! There's even less of a coherent plot than in a standard Enterprise episode!"  
  
"True," said the Slayer Guardian. "But then that's not really our fault, is it?" At this, he turned a pointed glance at the forumgoers.  
  
A muted shriek was heard far-off, and suddenly enormous rock-like cookies began raining down on the crew, courtesy of annoyed forumgoers who didn't like their story-telling skills being insulted.  
  
"Now look what you've done!" howled Quark-Snyder and an extremely large rock cookie bounced off his head.  
  
The cookies were still falling, but Willow had stopped them from hurting anyone but Quark Snyder."They are ones bugging us! And calling me a "he" " said the female Slayer Gaurdian, since all guardians are female. "Some dont know enough about Buffy, some dont know enough about the Dr WHO (they think its World Health Org.) the and Cybermen." Ben, Kira, Jadzi, Kai Wen, Ezri and Bashir, Rom, Odo, Jake, O'Brien, Gul Dukat, Weyoun/Brunt, Female Shapeshifter, Leeta, Kassidy, Molly, Garak, Damar, and the rest laughed. "Well, they all know about US!" said Jake. "And it's my turn for a plot!" Jake then realized something."I am The Kid of the Emissary. I can save the Convergense. I am a writer. I can write us a plot! I am more talented than the forumgoers!" So he did.  
  
Meanwhile, since it was Wednesday, O'Pipp walked up and slew an Alternate Universe Jonas who had appeared out of thin air for precisely that purpose.  
  
Jake sighed. "There goes our PG rating," he said.  
  
"I WANT MY SPOONS!" one of the Doctors suddenly shouted.  
  
"There is no spoon!" Neo retorted.  
  
"See?!?!" howled Picard. "There it goes again! THEY are the enemy! They must be stopped!  
  
Jake produced a magic typewriter from nowhere and started typing rapidly. "This should help!" he said. "Maybe we'll have more of a coherent storyline now."  
  
"What are you doing?" Quark Snyder asked him.  
  
"I'm plotting our escape. Shh! I need to think!"  
  
Just when he started to give up on a brilliant plan, an idea hit him like a ton of spoons, literally. "Where did these spoons come from?" asked Jake. "You wanted to escape, right?" asked Quark Snyder. "I thought we had no spoons in the kitchen" said Neo, who had a confused look on his face. "I also thought I was dead in the first scene of this story" continued Neo. "Well, we needed to bring you back into the plot for legal reasons, "said Jake. "Well, then can I be someone who can fly really fast and can dodge pies?" asked Neo. "There is only room for one superhero around here," said John, who had just woke up from a long nap and was holding a pizza. "Fine, I will settle for the hacker," said Neo.  
  
Tara gave Neo a magical computer, he shut up. Jake was happy. He finally had a plot-where he could right the plot! *Jake's writing the plot now*  
  
Anya suddenly had very strong attraction to Jake. The spoons stop falling, and there was a large sound. Kai Win was hitting Dukat on the head. "I came back from hell for THIS?" said Dukat. "I was in heaaaaaavvvvveeeeennn, and my friends pulled my out to this hell. But I get to pump Spike." said Buffy. Quark Snyder said "Hu-man, you do not even talk about PDA when I'm around! Tell me more" And Jake had a plot!"That's it!" he said, "Look at Quark Snyder. How come he's both here? He is the Convergence Ideal. He can lead us to coherent plot!" Sloane and Gaurdians were pleased. They had run out of ideas. The forumgoers where also pleased.  
  
"Let's throw Jake a party!" exclaimed 17 in delight.  
  
"Wait!" yelled NAH. "You're not supposed to be writing us into the story!"  
  
"I'm... not?" 17 looked confused. "But it's Friday." All the assorted peoples who had been in the story up till then turned and gave the forumgoers a strange look. "Now, how am I supposed to write THIS into the story?" yellled Jake.  
  
"17! What have you done!" wailed Opium, as orange-flavoured cookies started raining on the scene.  
  
"17, portraying me as yelling isnt going to improve what I do to you!" continued Opium. And suddenly, 17 had a horrible, throbbing desire to be Quark Snyder's wife. Sisko married them. Jake was pleased. "Good, now we can have a shipper ep" he said. Tara and Willow had a picnic, but Xander watched from behind a tree while he had picnic with Jake and Anya, who was staring at Spike and Buffy doing it inside Sloane's office. Crusher and Picard ate crousants and coffee with Ezri/Bashir and Odo/Kira. Everything was peachy keen. "There's always something bad in Shipper ep" said Giles. And suddenly Sloane was boinked in the head with a pie. Chris Carter walked in. "That's for not including XFiles in the Ultimate Scifi series". "Time to kick some Carter butt, let's get dirty" said Buffy. "Now THIS is a party" said Jake.  
  
Neo agreed, but added, "Still, we're missing something...Oh, I know what it is."  
  
"What?" Jake wanted to know.  
  
"Can't say," Neo apologized. "This is Saturday, and the two haven't been mentioned recently. Let's just say it rhymes with BonC."  
  
Josie, John, K9, Romana, and six of the Doctors copied Beverly Crusher's trick from a short time ago by just looking quizzically at the speaker.  
  
Jake decided he needed to write a filler scene, so he wrote about the fight. Christ Carter tried wimply to fight Buffy, but he just could not fight her. Xander and Spike joined in, and finally Picard gave the order to "Fire at Chris at Will." Carter was subdued, Crusher treated him, and he was taken to the Paramount Wacky Science Research Hospital to rest. Anya wasn't impressed by Xander, and she stayed with Jake, so Xander went all Spike-y on Jake. But Bashir seperated the two, and Ezri counselled them on how not to fight. Quark Snyder said, "Now now hu-mans, fighting wont get you anywhere unless it's on Pay-Per-View." Slayer Gaurdian, who was about to lose her spot, said, "Quark Snyder, why do you keep getting pointless little lines everywhere?" "Because" Opium said. That was a satisfactory answer.  
  
Taya gave Jake some ideas for his story, including characters he could use, like Zeke, Kira, Sax, NAHTMMM, and NeoMatrix. "NeoMatrix? We already have Neo, "said Jake. "He is the Neo in the Matrix. You understand now?" asked Tara. "Oh ok," said Jake.  
  
Opium decided it was time to start a subplot. She wanted to go on a quest, a quest to seek the holy pie. This was the only pie that was not destroyed by the Piealith, but was lost and never seen again.  
  
"Hey, Neo, I'm a GIRL. GRRRL!" said Opium. Spike, who Opium likes, suddenly attacked Neomatrix, since he isnt human. Opium found the pie, John was eating it, and she served it at the picnic. Meanwhile, Quark Snyder, Anya, Kai Win, Dukat, Q, Wesley, and Goldmember got together to plan an evil plan. Sloane and the Gaurdians, however, stopped them, or so they thought. Jake said,"No no NO what's happening to my plot?" Sisko said, "Jake, I am your father" "I know that, dad". But then Jake realized, he was having a Prophet moment. "The son of the One must have a bun" said Prophet Riker. "The Son of the One must write a pun" said Prophet Trio. "The Son of the One must be able to run" said Prophet Worf. Jake took this newfound knowledge back with him, and began to write the plot for the Convergence.  
  
Jake, fresh from his orb experience, propped up his typewriter between his knees and began to type. He knew he had to work fast, because the situation around him was rapidly dissolving into chaos-dissolved-in-hydrochloric acid. While most of the characters were having a raving party to the sounds of the Velvet Underground, 17 was chasing Opium around with a pointy stick for marrying her off to Quark Snyder.  
  
Jake put a bun between his teeth and chewed. How should he start? Ah, yes, the classic.  
  
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, an attorney appeared on the horizon....  
  
Then, the sun disappeared behind thick dark clouds. It began to rain heavily and the wind was so strong, everybody had to tie themselves to trees not to be blown away.  
  
Jake, who was not affected by the story and just sat there, typing, saw a small man in a black suit at the horizon. He smiled. "It's working," he cheered, and typed on.  
  
Jake went on:  
  
The rain died down a bit, so people could release themselves from the trees. The lawyer in the suit came up to talk to Jake. "Jake, I believe that you were kidnapped. Your life has been taken away so can write a story that you are in, so that the Convergence Show can work, so sci-fi can make a comeback. I can help you. I can get your life back." Sloane then ran in into the picnic area. "No, that's Jack McCoy from Law and Order" yelled Sloane, "He's trying to..." Jake interupted. "I brought him the story, to bring interest, and to sue your butt off". The story continued. Sloane was hit by lighting. The Lawyer said, " Sloane, I am going to sue you, but after that, I am going to sue Jake for writing you getting struck by lighting."  
  
"But he was ennoying" Jake argued. "That's no excuse" answered McCoy. "Oh, never mind" mumbled Jake, "I'll make you forget when this is over." "What was that?"  
  
At that moment, a shuttle came into view, and landed on the surface. "Who is that?" Quark Snyder asked. "I don't know" said Jake, "I didn't write that."  
  
"Damn," said Crighton, stepping from the shuttle. "Why is it wormholes are so badly signposted? I keep getting lost."  
  
"Hah. You don't need to tell me that," said Sisko.  
  
"The Convergence seems to be getting worse," commented the Doctor. "All we need now is the Battlestar Galactica to show up and we'd practically have the entre set."  
  
"You know, it's funny you should say that...." said the Smoking Man, pointing to the sky. Everyone looked up just in time to see the Galactica hove into view in orbit above them.  
  
"Great!" yealled PHJ who had appeared from inside the TARDIS. "And they've brought the Cylons with them! This just get better and better!"  
  
"You know, the fact that it's AU Week might have something to do with this" hypothesised MirrorKira.  
  
"I haven't been typing any of this either!" said Jake. "What's going on?"  
  
"I'm sorry Jake" said Opium, "it's these other, non-poppyseed loving forumgoers. But here, my friend LongForgotten is offering cookies. You are her favorite DS9, and now The Convergence character, since you write and stuff." Longforgotten gave some special cookies to Jake, some "grassy" cookies that made him veeeeeeerrrrrrrrryyyyy happy. He started to write with his eyes closed, as he now could override the forumgoers:  
  
The Convergence could see the light and purple elephants and the pink zebras. Q and LF started to date. Crusher and Picard got married. Ezri and Bashir made out, and LF objected and yelled, "Ezri, you whine too much!" Ezri gave LF a councilling session, and LF started to not mind Ezri, and even gave her some lipbalm so Ezri could kiss Bashir more. LF went and left everyone alone so we could get on with the story.  
  
Jake was getting bored of having no forumgoers helping him write. "Please help me" he said.  
  
"So you call yourself a writer?" said Catalina as she stepped from behind a tree, "Wat kind of writer are you if you can't write without help?"  
  
"I... just have... no inspriration right now. Yes. But the story must go on, so please help me."  
  
"Alright then. I'll give you... a vision." "Your story is too perky and happy. You've got to write some tragedy into it. You've got to write some death."  
  
"Er, right," said Jake hesitantly. "I'll keep that in mind."  
  
"You know," said Crichton, "I don't see how that's going to help us get out of this story."  
  
"Well," 17 pointed out reasonably, "if you're dead you wouldn't be in the story any more, would you? Besides, it makes a better read."  
  
The forumgoers smiled at Jake. He sighed, and set his hands down on the typewriter again...  
  
Jake just sat there staring at the blank page in his typewriter. "Uh oh, I think I have writer's block," said Jake. NeoMatrix came by and said, "You need a hero and a villain, plus someone who needs to be rescued. Think of a good plot and setting, then the story will fall into place." "Thanks alot," said Jake cheerfully.  
  
"Thanks alot" he repeated, more sarcastically this time. "Allright then, how shall I call the hero?"  
  
"Call him Julian!" Bashir interupted his line of thoughts.  
  
"Riiiiight..." Jake answered, "I thought it had to be a little realistic."  
  
"Then call the one who needs to be rescued Ezri, and the bad guy Sloan." Bashir continued.  
  
"Hey!" Obviously, Sloan did not agree.  
  
"Well, *I* am the writer here," Jake pointed out, "so I get to decide who is the good guy, who is the bad guy, and most importantly, who gets to die. Catalina said I had to write more death into my story." He flexed his fingers. "Right then, that part should be easy enough, and I'll start with it." His fingers started flying over the typewriter keyboard.  
  
Suddenly a large marble pillar appeared out of nowhere and fell on Crichton's head.  
  
"Oh my god," exclaimed Sloane, "you killed John, you bas--"  
  
Another large marble pillar appeared out of nowhere and fell on Sloane's head.  
  
Jake grinned. "This could get fun." He continued typing.  
  
A white horse burst forth onto the scene. It's rider, an extremely tall, thin fellow, disembarked.  
  
ER, he said. THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBLEM.  
  
"Hi, I'm Legolas" said Legolas. Jake explained: "Opium thinks Legolas is hot, and Julian's ego is too big...we needed something to tone it down with hotness". Bashir launched himself at Legolas. Legolas gave him a big hug. Then, slowly, he bent down, and looked at John and Sloane. "I can save these two. I need a powerful witch or two" Tara and Willow both raised their hands. "Good" said Legolas.*Jake wasnt really interested in the whole magic thing,or Legolas, but he liked the "magic=sex theme" from BTVS* Tara and Willow began the spell, and Legolas helped. The all started to get hot and chant. Willow got all black-eyed and scary, and *somehow* Quark Snyder got a million zits, but then Legolas got up. "The spell has worked." he said. Xander interupted, "Something bad always happens after an anti-death spell" "Another problem?" said Bashir  
  
"Problems are good," said Jake, "It makes the story interesting."  
  
"But this might be a problem you can't handle," Bashir answered.  
  
"I'm the DM, I can handle anything." Jake said.  
  
A silence followed, in which all looked at Catalina.  
  
"Sorry," said Catalina, "I'm playing d&d, and I just couldn't restist."  
  
Jake sighed. Everytime he got a story under control, it always seemed to take a life of it's own and start running away as if the Legions of Death were on it's tail (metaphorically speaking, that is).  
  
"Why does this always happen to me?" he howled, as a bright flash enveloped them for no reason other than someone other than Jake wanted it to happen.  
  
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Anya, "And you must marry Anya by sundown"  
  
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Ezri, "You are the new sheriff. You write Blazing Sadles in the sun."  
  
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Quark Snyder, "You must learn everything by tomorow morning, or you will lose the capital earnings potential on you project".  
  
Jake was confused, "So now I am bringing in a 20th century Mel Brooks comedy? Why?"  
  
"The Sisko Kid talks too much" said Prophet Picard. Jake was back in the Convergence. Legolas rushed to his side. "Jake, you are the chosen one, but I'm still prettiest." Xander built a movie screen, and everyone watched Blazing Sadles. Jake knew what he must do. The prophets were nuts.  
  
"Therefore," he proclaimed happily, "I must restore order by erasing everything that has occurred in this story so far and start anew!"  
  
"And just how are you going to do that?" asked Ezri.  
  
"Er.... well." Jake was stumped. "I haven't thought of that bit yet..."  
  
Well, the simple way was to burn everything. And that is what was done. Everyone was happy. They all went outside to play. They had a great time.  
  
Jake was sad. His story was going out of control. "Again, you are LEAVING ME! Well, NO MORE!" he said. So he got the Nerd Trio from Buffy to help him.  
  
"Sorry, but I'm out of the game. Xander reformed me. I love his...carpentry" said Andrew.  
  
"Hey, I was just in it because it was something to do until I got into Oxford.Bye now" said Jonathan, and he left.   
  
"I'm in. I'm evil. I'm the big evil powerful superman" said Warren, "I can fight any problem. I can *Willow and Tara come in holding hands* HEY, I KNOW you just are waiting for me, because... OWOWOW" Everyone had gotten bored of Warren, and carried him out while hitting him with frisbees. Odo put him in jail. Jake was mildly entertained.  
  
*end of commercial break*  
  
Hmmm, where did everyone go? Looks like everyone went on vacation. Well, they deserve it. Writing a story is no easy task. So who was left in charge in case a emergency came up? Oh no, looks like we are doomed? They left Janeway in charge.  
  
Janeway blinked. "I was left in charge? What? How come nobody ever tells me these things?"  
  
Jake rubbed his chin. "Well, it could have been worse. They could have left the story in the hands of The Doctor..."  
  
17 rolled her eyes in annoyance and stuck a pistol in Jake's back. "Enough talk, start writing the story! The typewriter is THERE for a reason..."  
  
Jake scowled. "I've got writer's block!"  
  
"Then this should help you!" A bright flash of light, and suddenly tribbles populated the area where 17 once stood.  
  
Jake gulped. "I've got a bad feeling about this...."  
  
Jake shakily started to write. "Okay, tribbles are breeding maniacs. Hmmm, maybe Tara and Willow could start a magic spay/neuter program." Jake said to the forumgoers. "No, that would be too easy" said Opium. Xander came in. "Sorry, but Tara and Willow are out making magic of their own. I tried to watch but..."he showed everyone the big bruise on bum. But, oddly, the Tribbles seemed to stop breeding and pay extra attention to Xander's magic comment. "Hey, that's it!" said Jake, "The Tribbles like slash so much they stop doin' it to hear more! Everyone has to do some Slash!" He started writing quickly. Andrew's admiration of Xander ran Xander over...literally...and Bashir and Legolas started, um, being close. The Tribbles were mezmerized. Tara and Willow brought in a camara and started taking some SLASH photography...  
  
However, they forgot about the dangers of flashing mezmerized tribbles. It was too late. Once the first flashed took place, there were drunk tribbles everywhere. You do not want to be around drunk tribbles. The good news that 17 reappeared, however, she started multiplying. Before long, there were 17 17's running around. 1 of 17 ran over and took the camera away from Tara and showed them the warning lable on the back of the camera, which read, "Warning, Flash will cause harm to Tribbles and Grimlins. Danger: Do not operate camera within 100 feet of any weird anomolies that has caused a person to disappear." "See what you have done?" 1 of 17 said. "I must now compete against 17 other 17's to be the most beautiful 17. You know how bad this is going to be on my reputation? What if a handsome man decides to pick 5 of 17 over me?"  
  
Jake gulped. Now he didn't have just one 17 to contend with, he had 17!  
  
"This isn't good," he muttered. "I have to recombine them... perhaps using 29th century technology...." And he started typing furiously.  
  
Jake wrote yet another magic scene for Tara and Willow, and quickly there were only two 17's.  
  
"But which one the REAL 17?" asked Picard, randomly coming back from a long hiatus.  
  
"Hmm, we must see who she loves. Quark his your husband, 17, is he not?" said a smirking Odo.  
  
"Oh, yes, and I loooove him so much that I..." *zap*. Now there was just 17, but strangly, oddly, 16 new Jakes appeared.  
  
"Xander" said Willow, "Did you use some of the Marinus Jainus for personal use?" XAnder nodded. Now there were all those Jakes, all typing, typing, typing, as they had each come complete with magical typewriters and their own batteries.  
  
The forumgoers gulped. "I can only forsee a massive tangle of 16 different storylines churned out by 16 different Jakes," said 17 faintly.  
  
Jake 1 grinned maniacally and started writing random Harry Potter characters into the story.  
  
Suddenly, Drizzt appeared out of thin air.  
  
"Who's responsible for this one?" Ezri asked. Jake 4 stuck up one hand, going on with the other.  
  
Max came flying over on her bike, landing after a high and far jump, and almost run over Drizzt, who jumped aside just in time.  
  
But then, Xander, Willow, and Tara, along with Bashir and Ezri, started to dance "The Lumbada-it makes sex look like church!" from that show about a certian yellow-skinned, nuclear-loving (and hating) family.  
  
"Okay, which Jake did that" asked the weirded out forumgoers.  
  
All the Jake's raised their hands.  
  
"Doh!" said Bashir.  
  
"Dont have a cow, forumgoers" said Xander."It's a fun dance-you just kinda do a thingy and then some stuff and then cha-cha-VOOM!"  
  
The relentless clicking of typewriters continued. Story threads twined, clashed and got themselves caught into massive balls of tangle. Which, to be honest, isn't that much of a departure from the storyline here so far. But I digress.  
  
"Something MUST be done about the chaos!" exclaimed Janeway. "And since nobody else seems to be sane enough to do the right thing, I will!" And she picked up her compression phaser rifle and started shooting random Jakes.  
  
"But wait, how will you know which one is the REAL Jake?" Xander asked her.  
  
"Does it matter?" asked Janeway, blasting Jake 7 into oblivion.  
  
"Yes! Only the REAL Jake can help us eradicate this mess!"  
  
Janeway sighed. "Which one of you is the real Jake?" she asked, quite annoyed.  
  
All Jakes stuck up their hands.  
  
"That helped," she said, and started shooting Jakes again.  
  
"Wait!" Willow stopped her, "Is there is one real Jake, wouldn't he logically be numbered 1?"  
  
"I guess that does make sense" Janeway answered. She walked toward Jake 1 and took him by his collar. "Are you the real Jake?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"That settles it than" she said, while she fired at Jake 12.  
  
"Hold that thought" Bashir went over to Jake 16 and said: "Are you the real Jake?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"See?" Bashir told Janeway.  
  
Bashir counted on his fingers, "There are only nine Jakes left. That makes our job easier."  
  
"But what if the real Jake is already dead?" Xander wanted to know.  
  
"He can't be," Bashir said smugly. "Then we would be doomed. That isn't allowed to happen."  
  
"That settles it, then," Janeway said with satisfaction, as she raised her phaser rifle and prepared to blast eight more Jakes at random.  
  
"Wait! Wait! Er, I'm not sure the rule would hold now that we all have had a chance to let the reader know how doomed we'd be if we shot the wrong Jake," Bashir protested.  
  
Meanwhile, the remaining Jakes were typing busily.  
  
"Then what do we do now?" Janeway demanded.  
  
"Hold a 'Survivor' contest!" Anya shouted.  
  
"Give them all a quiz," suggested Ezri, who, due to loneliness from being one of only about three Starfleeters mentioned within the past ten posts, had taken to watching The Holy Grail over and over again.  
  
Just as Ezri said this, there was some strange sounds that made all remaining Jakes, Bashir, and Xander veeerrryyy happy. All the Jakes were restored.  
  
"Oooo, 17 Jakes again!" said Anya,"how did Willow and Tara knew that that was what I wished for?"  
  
"That was MY wish too, Anya" said Andrew, who needs an obligotory sexually ambigous comment in every ep."But why?"  
  
"Because Jake 1 was over there a second ago" said Tara, pointing, "but next time Jake 1 was the one with purple typewriter, over there"  
  
"So we need all the Jakes back for the Survivor series" said Willow.  
  
"Couldnt you just do some magic?" asked 17.  
  
"yes, but who doesnt want to watch 17 hot, sweaty Jakes run on logs?" said Willow.  
  
Janeway then interupted by saying, "Lets she who survives my phaser cannon of DOOM." Janeway started firing at random, losing control of the cannon. The train station was destroyed again thanks to Janeway. Josie popped out of nowhere and saw the train station, then cried. One of the randon out of control shots was heading towards Josie. Just as the blast was about to hit Josie, he performed a matrix-move and ducked out of the way of the blast. "You are one fast cow," noted Janeway. Janeway finally was able to stop the cannon. Then all 17 Jakes went to work on the trainstation. However, they were to build 17 stations. The first one to finish was the winner of the survivor game. "This will improve transport time between dimensions," said Josie.  
  
Quark Snyder came back from the Shire. He was surprised to see 17 Jake's. Legolas Turner was with him, in elven leggings, pirate shirt and very,very cool hair. Everyone gathered around Legolas Turner, nearly crushing Quark Snyder. The 17 Jakes started to write.  
  
And quickly, all at the same time, 17 new trainstations were built. Then some theme music came over the crowd. Jack Sparrow jumped off from on of the platforms.  
  
"Wow, 20 guys, a few pretty girls." Jack Sparrow said.  
  
"Sir, we are not just pretty girls, we are powerful, educucated witches" said Willow  
  
"I like strong women...and you there, why are you looking so hot'n huffy?"asked Sparrow  
  
Xander just shifted his gaze...  
  
and it fell upon the figure of Nanny Ogg.  
  
Nancy walks up to Xander, slaps him, zaps him, then dissapears. He falls to the ground and faints. When Xander wakes up, he notices that something was a little different about him. He runs to look at himself in a mirror only to get the shock of his life. Nancy had turned him into a female.  
  
Then, Willow walked towards him. "Hey pretty girl!"  
  
"Willow... It's me, Xander!" Xander answered.  
  
"I know. Did you know I always had a crush on you? That is, until Tara opened my eyes..."  
  
"But now, Xander, you're a girl and, well, Tara is in love with AUEzri, who loves her back. So...wanna be lovers and marry and be happy?" asked Willow  
  
"YESYESYESYESYESYESYES" said Xander."I love you."  
  
Everyone, including Tara and AUEzri, and all 17 Jakes, smiled.  
  
"About time" said Anya "now I can be happy with Quark Snyder and not worry about you two".  
  
At this, Taya17 protested. "But Quarky Snyder, You're my lovely dovey"  
  
Everyone laughed. All the Jakes were happy. They had finally made many, many shippers happy, and even added some very odd slash.  
  
"Let's PARTY!" said Jake 3,2, and 8. And of course...  
  
17 THWAPPED Opium over the head for the gratuitous Quark/17 mush in the previous contribution.  
  
So Jake 9 and 14 arranged a band, while Jake 16 took care of the lights and snacks.  
  
Then, Angel came in. "Hi, guys! How's it going?"  
  
Everyone was surprised, except Jake 5, who was typing with a big smile on his face. 


	3. Chapter 3pgs56

A/N: I own nothing. Zip. Zilch. Neither do any of the others who wrote this. Just wanted to make that clear. Okay, so we do own the weirdness and zaniness. But we don't own the characters. Those belong to those who own the rights to Buffy, LOTR, Star Trek, and all the other wonderful sci-fi genres we've (ab)used.  
  
"Hey, Xander, you're finally with Willow! Good for you" said Angel. Buffy reappeared from shooting Scooby Doo 2 and ignored Angel, instead dragging Spike from behind him.  
  
"Spikey ikey mikey, I wuv yoo sho muchy wuchy" said Buffy.  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes.  
  
Jake 5 ran over to Angel. "hey, body ol' pal, how yah doing?" Angel said. Everyone was confused. Xander and Willow continued to snuggle, and Jake 3 got some candy, J2 got some pop and chips, and J8 turned on some 'tunes. Opium slapped Taya17 by making her cry over losing Quark Snyder. Taya17 cried and cried a river over losing Quark Snyder, and she even tried to kill Anya, who of course cant really die in this AU cus she's a venengce demon.  
  
"Well, it's alright," she finally muttered. "Since I can't kill Anya, I'll just turn on the next best target, namely the person who has been defaming my character by trying to hook me up with a creature of the greatest disrepute."  
  
With that, 17 pulled out a large Minbari baguette and started THWAPPING Opium soundly on the head.  
  
What Taya17 didnt realize, however, was that she was thwapping the holographic Opium. But Opium understood, and stopped making Taya17 be in love with Quark Snyder.  
  
Meanwhile, the party was going great. Willow and Xander announced their engagement,which made Anya jealous, so she a QS announced their engagement too. J5 and Angel also announced THEIR engagement. Everyone was getting very wierded out.  
  
And then, suddenly, a gleaming light appeared, and Tara stepped out from it...  
  
... and she gave Opium a big hug for being such a kind and understanding soul.  
  
"Now," Tara said, "you must be wondering why everybody is feeling so weirded out. The explanation is simple. There is a single culprit behind this entire sorry affair, who is none other than..."  
  
"Original Jake and an acomplace" said Tara.  
  
Opium apoligized for her bad spelling and her Quark Snyder/Taya17 fling.  
  
Everyone ignored Opium, as they were too engrossed with Tara's revelation.  
  
Finally, Original Jake spoke.  
  
"Well, what did you expect? 7 years of goodness, even Crusher got to go evil a few times. I needed to be evil. So I started writing all this, in May. And then I realized there were all these forumgoers and all these characters, and I latched on. And so I started righting wrongs, making techobabble make sense, making shippers happy-all the things sci-fi considers evil." said Jake."And my acomplice is..."  
  
"... none other than John Sheridan!"  
  
Muffled groans were heard from the audience  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" came a sound from behind a hill, "Not John Sheridan! He's a demon, and unkillable. Believe me, I've tried. He's like, the ultimate evil, worse than The First."  
  
"Shut up Angel," said Buffy, "I think he's cute."  
  
"Hey!" said Spike.  
  
"Not as cute as Spikey here though," Buffy quickly put in, throwing Spike on the ground and jumping on top of him.  
  
Angel watched with a sad face. "He's not as evil as B/S though."  
  
Angel started to cry, so J5 came over and talked to him. Xander and Willow smiled and hugged, as Spike and Buffy went to another room to, uh,mingle closely.  
  
Suddenly Tara and AUEzri remembered the REAL problem: John Sheridan and OJake's plan.  
  
"Everyone, stop!" Tara sternly said, "Remember, there is a serious problem. Remember, some of our fellow Sci-Fi-ers disappeared from lack of mentioning them, died, and worst of all, put with Quark Snyder. This MUST be stopped, somehow..." Tara was interupted by OJake.  
  
"No, it was no JS and I who did those things, we just wrote it to bring you all here. We must find...The Real Killers!" said OJake.  
  
"That's ridiculous," said John Sheridan. "Of course it was I who did all these things. I am evil, I tell you! EVIL!"  
  
"No, you're not," said Opium, "You're just insane. I believe Original Jake."  
  
"And I believe OJake too, when he speaks of the Real Killers" said Tara.  
  
"And so do I" said Willow and Xander at the same time.  
  
"Well, I think these Real Killers have a lot of explaining to do, as they would be wonderful marketing gimics" said Quark Snyder. Anya swooned.  
  
"Okay, okay, OKAY, so I'm just little old John Sheridan, hoping somone will pay attention to me. See, I thrive on attention. I die without it." said John Sheridan.  
  
"Um...okay...yah" said Angel.  
  
"But really, who ARE the killers?" asked Xander.  
  
"Perhaps we must use magic to find out..." said a smiling OJake.  
  
"Abracadabraalakazam!" yelled John Sheridan at the top of his voice.  
  
There was a sudden flash of light, and suddenly all seventeen Jakes had been turned into nervous pink bunnies with twitching ears.  
  
"Look at what you've done!" shrieked Anya in dismay.  
  
"Whoops," said Sheridan, "I think I waved my wand the wrong way. Damned thing is acting--up--again--"  
  
"You know, guys, I don't think that's all he's done," said Angel slowly, as a dark shadow fell ominously upon the scene.....  
  
The dark shadow was of a giant Taya. John had enlarged her by an enormous amount. John smiled as he looked at his creation. Taya picked John up with her huge hand and played with him like a doll. All the other guys just stared at her boobs, and wondered if they could get up to them. They mixed up a big batch of sleeping potion and put it in a drink for Taya, which she drank. After awhile, she fell asleep and all the guys climbed aboard for some fun. However, the potion was not enough and she began to wake up.  
  
"GET OFF, YOU PERVERTS!" she yelled, flicking all the guys onto the grass like so many ants. Furious, she put all of them in a giant glass cup and set them adrift in the Baltic ocean.  
  
"Help us!" howled the men piteously. "We're sorry! Forgive us!"  
  
Tara, AUEzri, Willow and Xander walked in on the scene. "What the...NO JAKES's? The story will disolve into a horrible mess" said Tara.  
  
"Uh...I think it already has" said Xander. Conjuring up some five-way magic (Anya wanted the bunnies GONE no matter what), they brought back the 17 Jakes.  
  
"Okay, so maybe John Sheridan IS the real killer" said OJake.  
  
"But is it the REAL John?" asked Buffy.Tara, AUEzri, Willow, Xander and Anya did another five-way.  
  
"Well, in a word, yes," said Willow. Everyone was shocked.  
  
"John, that's five weeks detention and four bars goldpressedlatnum" said Quark Snyder, as everyone groaned at the worn-out joke except Anya.Who was worse:John or QS?  
  
A dark, ominous cloud fell upon the scene. "NEITHER," boomed a voice from the heavens. "THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT IS..."  
  
"Legolas Turner!" finished the voice, who turned out to be Picard hiding behind a cloaked force field.  
  
"WHAT?" said everyone, clearly confused.  
  
"Yes, Legolas Turner. LOTR and POTC are two hot movies, and Orlando Bloom is in both of them. And he makes Legolas Turner, the most non-threating, nice, kind, caring guy ever."  
  
The girls all nodded and swooned. The guys all looked annoyed and grumbled.  
  
"With all the fangirls and fanguys and fanforumgoers,"continued Picard," Legolas Turner, and his friends Frodo, Samwise, and Jack Sparrow, are threatening-by being so nonthreating-to accidentally take over fanfic!"  
  
"Do any of them have Kippers of Thwapping?" PHJ wanted to know.  
  
"Well, no," admitted Picard, "though I suspect that Jack Sparrow has a Scone of Smashing. He won't admit to it, though."  
  
"Then that's all right," said PHJ, who went back to plotting against Microsoft.  
  
Well, PHJ had just about to come up with a brilliant plan when Picard ripped a loud fart, but he blamed it on one of the Jakes, who then blamed it on another Jake. All the Jakes began blaming another Jake for the fart. They got in a big fight. Picard stepped in and told them of a challege. "There only needs to be one Jake, so we are going to have a big phaser fight to see who the one Jake will be." Picard set all 17 phasers to Kill and gave them to each of the Jakes. Picard beamed himself and PHJ to a safe position and announced the start of the fight. Every Jake scrambled for cover while trying to kill off each other. It was a long battle eventless battle because nobody was moving from their spot.  
  
And thus was begun The War of the 17 Jakes.  
  
Suddenly, somebody exclaimed out loud, "By gum! Jake 17 is missing!"  
  
"Where could he have gone to?" wondered Picard, just as huge flying saucers appeared in the sky...  
  
17 flying saucers landed on 17 launch pads. Finally, OJake pulled out his trusty typewriter and began to write. He turned the war into a subplot, and made Legolas Turner and Jack Sparrow's takeover the main plot. He made Jake 17 remote-control the saucer to launch pies, tea cups and coffee 17 at a time, and play LOTR and POTR 17 times each at a time, so that all computer signals become filled with POTRLOTR goodness amd mezmerized everyone. Tara, AUEzri, Xander, Willow and Anya formed a five-way protection spell, to prevent any serious injuries, but not before Legolas Turner was adorably covered in pie. The spell broke, however, because Willow couldnt help watching Legolas on the computer AND in real life. OJake tried a different tactic, mainly, having the saucers malfunction. Legolas Turner then asked Jake 17 for a frienly duel to make up for the pie...  
  
... but his request was interrupted by a very large orange meringue in the act of exploding.  
  
Covered in meringue bits, 17 howled, "I think the story's just got out of hand again! JAAAAAAAKE!"  
  
"Cant you forumgoers write ANYTHING without me?" asked OJake. Everyone shook their heads. Jake began to write.  
  
Legolas Turner, angered by the pie, took out his sword and his bow, and handed his sword to Jack Sparrow. Jake17 tried to send a message for the saucers to send out more pie, but Jack Sparrow expertly thwapped him on his head with the flat part of the sword. When Jake17 tried to get up, Legolas Turner shot a barrage of arrows, pinning Jake17 to ground without hurting him. Willow got out her trusty laptop and sent a virus out into the saucers, causing them all to explode, as 17 John Sheridan's parachuted out. However, they landed in Angel's puddle of tears, and all drowned.  
  
Suddenly, Quark Snyder called out, "NOOOOO! I never got to tell you..."  
  
... I love you, John!"  
  
The 17 John Sheridans promptly revived to puke their guts out, before subsequently dying again.  
  
"Oh, very funny, Jake," said 17 in annoyance. "I suppose you'll be writing William Shatner's hairpiece into this next, eh?"  
  
OJake grinned and looked guilty. "Errr... heh heh."  
  
Before everyone could giggle at OJake though,  
  
"Look! Look at all these tribbles raining down!" said Picard as 17 light brown, 17 medium brown, and 17 red-brown Tribbles fell from the sky. Everyone gasped. Worf ran in from the chartrues green room, yelling various profanities. But then...  
  
"Hey, these arent Tribbles, these are hair pieces!" said Xander."OJake, how could you DO this?" OJake wrote furiusly. Three teenagers walked in.  
  
"Hello, I'm Harry, this is Hermione and Ron" said Harry.  
  
"Oh, this is a Sci-Fi Confergence!" squeeled Hermione.  
  
"Hi, I'm Legolas Turner. You may know me from varius slash fics that have us together." said Legolas Turner, as everyone gasped.  
  
"Hey hey hey," yelled an irate forumgoer. "No mention of slash here, alright?"  
  
"Does anyone realize that we are no nearer to getting out of this mess than we were, say, five pages ago?" asked Opium.  
  
"Isn't that more or less the bloody point?" OJake replied, writing furiously. It started raining random Minbari.  
  
"Ouch," said Hermione, as a random Minbari warrior landed head-first on Ron, "that has got to hurt."  
  
"Look, what do you people expect?" said an irate OJake,"I mean, really now, there's implied everything, random tribbles, spoons, not to mention Mary Sue's!"  
  
"We are not ALL Mary Sue's" said Opium, who had been re-stringing Legolas Turner's bow and shining Jack Sparrow's sword," I am the props mistress for this fanfic!"  
  
"Right, look, why dont we all just calm down and have some tea while I look at Ron's wound?" said Tara.  
  
"YAY, TEA!" said Hermione, Harry, Giles, Buffy and Spike.  
  
"When did you become British, Buffy?" asked a forumgoer.  
  
"When I got with Spike, of course." replied Buffy.  
  
"SEE! THIS is what I'm talking about!" yelled an even more irate OJake.  
  
17 gave OJake a funny look. "This is what WHAT is all about? I mean, that is what this is all about? I mean, er... ARGH!"  
  
The other forumgoers turned and gave 17 a funny look, then looked at OJake. "Have you done something to her again?"  
  
"Well," said OJake, "she DID start this, didn't she? She deserves some punishment! So I decided to...  
  
"...first put her with Quark Snyder, but that didnt work. So now, oh yes now, I am having all 17 clones in love with her!" continued OJake.  
  
"There must be a reason you havent written us out of this yet!" said Jack Sparrow," There are five BTVSwitches, 3 powerful teenage wizards/witches, and this Quark Snyder bloke who should be able to buy himself out of anything, or guilt anyone into submission. But no. Why is that?"  
  
Hermione, Ron and Harry all had the same idea-they put a Truth Charm on OJake.  
  
"It's that, well, I like it here. I dont have much of career, and I miss Ezri, and Quark Snyder, and all you other folks are just swell" said OJake, "And also, I love on of you here..."  
  
"No," gasped 17, "you can't be in love with...."  
  
"Opium," OJake sadly confessed.  
  
The 17 Jake clones started laughing their heads off. "Hey," protested OJake. "You're my clones, you're supposed to be sympathethic to my cause!"  
  
Hermione shook her head. "Who would have thought!"  
  
"Hey! 'Sad'? 'Laughing' How dare you!" said Opium, and suddenly, all 17 Jake clones, and of course Taya17, fell in love with Quark Snyder. "Well, at least Jake isnt QS!  
  
Taya17 became cvery distuaght, and began to plot revenge.  
  
"Anyways..." said Xander, "why dont we all remember the plot...you know, how we all will get out of here?"  
  
"I dont know, I kinda like it, Xanderums" said Willow, "I mean, it's not like our 'ship has a chance on TV, fanfic is all we have, and season 1-3, and various other eps...but those are gone already, just to be watched. So yah."  
  
"Yes, well, I for one like it, I finally dont have to deal with fangirls" said Legolas Turner.  
  
"See? We're on secondary plots again" said OJake.  
  
NAHTMMM was slightly confused by all the disappearing and reappearing secondary plots and not-quite-plots, so at Old Jake's announcement, he just sat down unobtrusively off to the side, well out of the way of the various plots that were hopping up and down and bumping into each other in their frantic efforts to get everybody's attention, and put together a Ping-Pong table, which he set up. He then began playing a relaxing game of Ping-Pong with one of his tribble commandos while he quietly waited for someone to figure out what the plot was supposed to be, and who was around to do it.  
  
Suddenly, John Sheridan fell from the sky and landed neatly in the middle of NAH's ping-pong game.  
  
"Stop that!" shouted NAH. "You're not supposed to bother me until you've figured out the plot!"  
  
"Haven't you already realized?" John replied. "Like the one-by-one story, there IS NO plot!"  
  
"True," said NAH in conmiseration. "Are you any good at table tennis?"  
  
"It's OJake, as in Original Jake, sheesh!" said OOpium  
  
"Dabo! Homework!" said Quark Snyder. "It's okay dear, we have money!" said Anya  
  
"Fangirls! Oh the horror, the horror!" said Legolas T, Jack Sparrow, and Spike, and Oliver Wood, from HP,who popped in.  
  
"We want some fangirls!" said JohnS, and QuarkSnyder.  
  
"Oh Willow" said Xander. "Oh Xander" said Willow.  
  
"Picard, would you like some tea?" asked Crusher. "Crusher, yes and would you like a crumpet?" asked Picard.  
  
"STOP IT ALL OF YOU!" said Tara. "Dont any of you care that we are making even less sense now than ever before?"  
  
"OJake did it," said Taya, trying to lighten the mood with some OJ humor.  
  
"I got it," said OJake, ignoring Taya's comment. "I will will make a baseball movie. The way this movie will be different from the rest of the movies is the fact that all the players on the team will look the same. Gather the clones, because we are going to make a movie."  
  
Taya reacted by saying, "OJake did it, OJake did it"  
  
Then the director said "cut! On to the next scene. That was great baseball rival action."  
  
"Baseball? BASEBALL?" said Quark Snyder, "What about homework? Money? Baseball is only useful as a plot device or PE event or in a big stadium combined with $8.99 glasses of beer!  
  
"What about sword fighting? I look good doing that, the ladies like it...OW" said Jack Sparrow as Tara, Willow, Hermione, Anya, AUEzri, 17, Opium, and Xander slapped him.  
  
"How about archery? It's a graceful art, and..."Legolas Turner was swarmed by Willow(yes, even Willow), Hermione, Anya, 17, Opium, Tara and AUEzri (because JS makes a great friend, too!  
  
"THIS IS MY STORY! I SAY BASEBALL!" said OJake, as he threw a ball at Legolas Turner, who caught it.  
  
"Baseball?" asked Sisko, his ears perking up. "I heard that! Count me in!"  
  
Just then Zack Allen walked in with a box of pizza. "Anyone up for a spot of good old Italian pastry? I think Mr. Garibaldi made this..."  
  
"DON'T EAT IT!" howled OJake. "It's poisoned!" And he threw a baseball bat at the box of pizza, smushing it into tiny little bits.  
  
"Why, you--!" exclaimed 17 in consternation. "I ordered that pizza!" And she started hurling pizza fragments in OJake's direction while John Sheridan randomly dropped nukes on the pizza remains.  
  
"OH NO YOU DONT!" said Legolas Turner, "I may be Mr Nice Sweety Nice NonThreating Guy, but I am NOT letting you take away MY glory with PIZZA!"  
  
"Bloke, what sort of glory do you have right now, here?" said JackSparrow, holding LegolasT back from thwapping OJake, as Wesley Crusher appeared.  
  
"Bloody hell, this is OJake's time of glory"said Spike.  
  
OJake asked Hermione to magic a pizza. Ron helped, and it ended up being...  
  
"Here, 17, here's a 'chocolate anchovy Italian Hawiian pepporoni salmon jellybean pumkin frogslegs pizza" said Harry said,as Crusher reappeared.  
  
"Oh Spike, you are so very brave to stand up to Legolas Turner and Jack Sparrow" said Buffy, as Picard reappeared.  
  
And while the Buffy-Spike sentiments made non-Buffy/Spikers in the audience puke intestinal bile, the continued nuking of the pizza remains by John Sheridan was drawing very unwelcome attention from Washington D.C.  
  
"Wow, this is great!" OJake gushed. "Now I can use my experience on DS9 to start writing lots of political intrigue into this story!"  
  
"But what century are we in? What political intrigueness do I use?" finished OJake.  
  
"As the highest ranking officer here, I shall take on this Washington D.C." said Picard.  
  
"But Picard honey, remember how it was revealed that the White House was being controlled by the oil/softdrink/clothing/car industry, and the real concern over world event came from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada?" said Crusher.  
  
"Oh sure mom, just ruin the timeline!" said Wesley.  
  
"What timeline? Everything's already screwed already; the timeline was next to go. Only when everything is chaos shall things go back to order" said Hermione.  
  
"What?" screamed 17. "Hermione's a Shadow agent! Get her, everyone!"  
  
"What's a Shadow?" Legolas Turner asked.  
  
"It's the thing on the floor behind you when you're standing in light, dummy," said Crusher. "Or sitting in light. Or sleeping in light. Whatever."  
  
Spike groaned at the lame puns in the story.  
  
"Shadows are mean little creatures that eat socks," said Zack Allen nonsensically.  
  
"Oh, shut up," said Sheridan, before pushing Zack into a thousand-foot-pit on Z'Ha'dum, whereupon purple penguins started raining from the sky because Zack's fall had accidentally boosted the Improbability Levels in the thread (by means of his body landing on the Infinite Improbability Drive improbably located at the bottom of the said pit).  
  
"Oh great," said Picard, "What have we done now?"  
  
A white flash of light appeared, and left, as white flashes of light do.  
  
"Hello, I'm Mayweather" said Mayweather," And I'm gueststarring on your show!"  
  
"The timeline is REALLY ruined now. Even Janeway couldnt make it worse!" said Wesley.  
  
"Bad Wesley! Dont say that name!" said Crusher.  
  
"Indeed. Engage?" asked Picard. Crusher accepted.  
  
Another flash of light.  
  
"Hello, I'm Captain Janeway" said Janeway.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Buffy, Spike, Xander, Willow, Anya, Tara, Crusher, and Quark Snyder.  
  
"You mean we can just make characters appear by yelling out their names?" Picard asked.  
  
"Sure, why not?" said OJake, an evil glint reflecting in his eyes.  
  
"Wow," said 17 in awe, "we could have a field day with this..."  
  
...especially since today is Friday."  
  
Several forumgoers began excitedly calling out for characters they wanted to get involved.  
  
"The Sisko!" "Abraham Lincoln!" "Bring back Data! And let's have the real Legolas too!" "Captain Janeway! No, wait, Admiral Janeway! Aw, let's have both of them, that'll be fun--" *CLOMP*  
  
Everyone jumped, then looked to see a giant marshmallow standing a short distance away. Everybody then turned as one to glare reprovingly at an embarrassed fat man standing off to the side.  
  
"I couldn't help it," Ray said plaintively. "I got hungry..."  
  
"No marshmallow people," OJake said firmly. He made the Stay-Puft Man go away.  
  
Stay-Puft Man wept and flooded the whole city.  
  
But was another problem...  
  
"No, I'm Legolas...Turner!" said Legolas Turner.  
  
"But I"M Legolas!" said Legolas.  
  
Wil Turner appeared. "I'm Wil Turner!" he said. A wrestling match ensued.  
  
"STOP IT!" yelled Picard, much to everyone's disappointment.  
  
"Well now, look what you've done! This is what happens when you get too many of the same people! Like if we has Quark Snyder, Quark, and Snyder" said Tara.  
  
"Hey, where am I? Some little witch is gonna get detention" said Snyder.  
  
"So is this what a Prophet session is? Lots of cute people. I could make money selling these." said Quark.  
  
The Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, being sad and angry at being ignored by the storywriters, retaliated by eating all the characters.  
  
But rather suddenly, everyone was in the train station.  
  
"I didnt write this!" said Jake.  
  
"Someone made a Wish" said Anya.  
  
"And I used a Time Charm" said Hermione. Ron and Harry looked impressed.  
  
"And I did a spell" said Tara.  
  
"And we kissed" said Willow and Xander.  
  
"And I'm here" said Janeway.  
  
Yes, they had indeed traveled back in time to the Beginning of the Convergence.  
  
"What?" spluttered John. "You mean we went through all that all for... for NOTHING?"  
  
"Afraid so," said Hermione apologetically. "The story was getting a little too weird for my liking. Now we can begin with a fresh slate!"  
  
"But Big Reset Buttons are EVIL!" protested John.  
  
Suddenly, the train staion was being destroyed by the Klingons again. The guy with the mismatched socks was back. However, there was a presence of tribbles. They were falling from the sky.  
  
Worf, Geordie, Troi, Data, Riker, and of course Wesley, Crusher and Picard were suddenly there, once again. They were all totally confused by the scene. Snyder, Quark and Quark Snyder were bickering, and Legolas, Wil Turner and Legolas Turner were all wrestling in the conviencent grass.  
  
"Q! How dare you do this!" said Picard.  
  
"Um, Captain, sir, actually, see, it was magic, BTVSwicca and Janeway." said Tara, the only girl not watching Legolas, Wil and LT wrestling. "See, Janeway causes time travel anomolies. Isnt that right, Xander?"  
  
"Yes, it is, always, just like on TV." he said. "Hey, where's Andrew?"  
  
And suddenly, Andrew was fawning over Anya and Xander. 


	4. Chapter 4 pgs 7 and 8

"Oh frag it, I'm too confused to do anything right now," mumbled John disconsolately. So he did what was only natural to him.  
  
He dropped a couple of nukes on the entire scene.  
  
"This is why we shouldn't go around mentioning annoying people" said Anya. She, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Tara, Willow, Xander and OJake were floating high in the sky.  
  
"Nice move girls" Xander said, drawing a annoyed look from Ron and Harry, "But please put me down now, honey... On second thought, don't" he added, looking down.  
  
Straight at the Miss United States contest, being held 200 metres away.  
  
"Great view," He commented. "Pity it's not the swimsuit event."  
  
Xander and Tara watched the contest while Willow, Anya, and Hermione morned the loss of Legolas, Legolas Turner, Wil Turner and Jack Sparrow.  
  
"I wish they were back so they forever remind Xander that if he misbehaves, I could go with the others or Legolas" said Willow.  
  
All the hotties came back.  
  
Meanwhile, Q had the whole Next Gen crew at yet another train station, singing show tunes. Although Q could make them sing, he conviently could not control what they said.  
  
"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I hate Q dill they day I die, stop making us sing showtunes now" sang Picard.  
  
"Q that rymes with Poo that stands for Q" sang the chorus.  
  
John decided to get on the train that went to Tribbleland. However, the train never left the station. So he just sat there forever, watching the show tunes.  
  
So he sat in that train for all eternity, cradling cooing tribbles in his hand and humming showtunes nonsensically to himself.  
  
"Observe" said Data, "This sock is blue..."  
  
Everyone was betting on the male wrestling.  
  
"I bet 200 that Legolas will win" said Anya  
  
"I bet 300 that Jack S will win" said Andrew  
  
"I bet 400 that Ron will win" said Hermione  
  
"I bet 500 that Pircard will win" said Crusher  
  
"I bet 600 that Xander will win" Willow  
  
"I bet 700 these "jokes" are painfully old" said Tara  
  
"Okay girls, money down, betting has ended" said Snyder, QS and Quark, as the guys wrestled and Data yapped about mismatched socks.  
  
"Blue socks, you tiny little blue socks," sang Data. "You precious little blue socks, where are you?"  
  
Somebody whose initials JUST happened to be JS dropped a couple of nukes on Data, effectively silencing him, but with the rather unfortunate effect of also silencing everyone else within a five mile radius.  
  
Data thought, "I guess the showtunes are over, and that JS got off the train. Why can I hear everyone thoughts. Are we all borg drones now?"  
  
Everyone else thought, "Oh crap!"  
  
The nukes JS dropped had nanoprobes in it.  
  
And thus, the Borg welcomed the new additions to their ever-growing family Collective.  
  
...until Data and the EMH started singing opera.  
  
"Aarrgh!" said all the other Borg, "earplugs are futile!" So they jumped ship in their haste to escape, and died in the vacuum of space.  
  
"OJake, why do you keep writing this?" asked Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Because I have a lot of course work that I really dont want to do. I'm a writer, I'm going to the best university: U of Earth-Revelstoke-BC-Canada! You'de think they would want to teach us new stuff" said OJake, "but no, they want us to study arcaic terms, like "printing press", typewriter" and "media integrity."  
  
"I see. Wanna drink gin and sing showtunes?" asked Jack Sparrrow. OJake nodded. So they did.  
  
Just then, JS dropped a mini nuke on OJake and Jack Sparrow. Everything was destroyed, including the story. However, Jack Sparrow was untouched.  
  
With OJake dead, everything got even more out of hand.  
  
Suddenly Dukat came out of the ground with a machine gun, and started killing Random Redshirts. He accidentally hit Picard.  
  
"Oh no!" said Jack Sparrow. "That has got to hurt!"  
  
"I like your eyeliner," John Sheridan told him. "Since we share the same initials, you are obliged to give me a pirate makeover."  
  
"Aye," replied Sparrow.  
  
Jack Sparrow and John Sheridan had a special bond. The two together meant certain doom for everyone else. John knew he was the one because Jack was immune to his nuke, or maybe all that eyeliner protected him.  
  
"Im already dead." Jack said to the author.  
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot." said the author.  
  
"Where did I get all these nukes?" John asked the author  
  
"Ask 17, she will know" said the author to John  
  
"This is really boring" said Jack, "Why couldnt I have been written in when cool stuff was happening?" The author responded, because it was Sunday,by resurecting folks.  
  
"We need a hero" said OJake.  
  
"Call him Bashir" said Bashir, as Ezri, QS, Kira, Odo, Jadzia, v2Worf, OBrian, Sisko, and Garak rolled thier eyes.  
  
"Observe. This sock is blue. This sock is orange." said Data. Picard, Geordi, Crusher, Troi, and the rest really didnt care. Riker appeared.  
  
"And look, he's Quark...but he's Snyder, too! That's hilarous!" said Tara, as Buffy, Spike, Xander, Willow and Anya nodded, as Opium procrastinated reading "The Caretaker" by prolonging a nonsensical, silly thread.  
  
"What do you mean, 'a nonsensical, silly thread'?" 17 demanded of Opium.  
  
Opium gave her a funny look. "You mean this actually makes sense to you?"  
  
"Quite true," said 17, and they happily settled down to watch John Sheridan and Jack Sparrow annoy everyone else by skipping around hand in hand singing nonsensical songs.  
  
At the same time, Odo and Kira made eachother comfortable, while both QS and Bashir were flirting with Ezri.  
  
Worf took Data and Geordi on a Trip to the Gamma Quadrant, but he didn't pay attention to where they were going and almost crashed into a sun.  
  
Suddenly, it started snowing. Heavily. In less than two hours the entire thread was covered in six feet of snow. Everyone was buried within-- well, almost everyone.  
  
"Well, it looks like Hell froze over," said Legolas, happily nancing on top of the snow. "Hey! Where did everybody go?"  
  
A muffled "oof" came from the snow. Jack's eyeliner had saved him!  
  
"All right Willow! Way to save...hey, where's Anya?" asked Tara. Willow had saved Xander, Spike, Buffy, and Tara.  
  
"If I'de saved Anya, QS would have been saved, too" said WIllow. Legolas and Jack began singing becuase they were so happy to be alive:  
  
"I feel pretty, Oh so Pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay" they sang.  
  
The Scoobies joined in:  
  
I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and free, I feel so pretty, I hardly can believe it's me"  
  
Simultaneously, everybody not singing, including everyone who was dead, screamed 'SHUT UP!'  
  
The volume of the shout was so loud that there was and avalanche in the Himalayas, miles and miles away.Dead silence followed. The Dead Silence continued....  
  
until John Sheridan dropped a couple of nukes on Unimatrix One. The borg queen didn't like that move, so she sent 47 cubes at him.  
  
Jack, Legolas, and the Scoobie gang decided it would be best to just give the Borg John Sheridan. So they did.Unfortunetly, the Borg Queen was Anya, and she brought along Quark Snyder. She took John, but he wouldnt stop singing:  
  
"Cellophane, oh Mr. Cellophane, it should have been my name, oh Mr. Cellophane..." sang John. Borg Queen Anya kicked John, along with Quark Snyder, back to Jack, Legolas and the Scoobies. QS joined in with John's singing. Q popped in.  
  
"SHUT UP THIS INFERNAL RACKET!" he said. And with that, QS and John were both sent to 20th century Broadway, where they had long and succesful careers as costume-trial stand-ins. Everyone thanked Q.  
  
"You're welcome! You're welcome! You're welcome!" Q nanced around singing.  
  
Legolas looked at Q with admiration. "Wow! You nance really well!" he said.  
  
Q and Legolas looked at each other. There was something in the air....  
  
Spike interupted the momentas Q nanced around more.  
  
"Bloody hell! Q nances well? That bloke cant nance half as well as I can! Here I am, nancing in and out for 6 pages, and here Q comes and gets a pat on the back and a lolli!" said Spike, and Legolas pouty cutely. Q nanced more.  
  
"Spike, I never knew! I mean, you love me and all." said Buffy.  
  
"Well, yah, but still, I nance, just for fun," said Spike.  
  
"Now look, I may not nance so well as you well-bred folks, but I darn well can look cool, and everyone wants me. Sorry it could never work out" Jack said to everyone.  
  
"Um, I'm gay" said Tara, "Joss Whedon wrote that into BTVS"  
  
"And I'm straight...except for that one ep" said Xander.  
  
"Now that we've all come out of the closet," said John Sheridan, "I propose we hold a Mardi Gras and shoot this story straight into hell."  
  
"Hear, hear!" cried the clamoring crowds, while in a corner, Opium was heard mumbling, "You mean this story isn't already in hell?"  
  
Everyone was dancing like mad, and within the chaos...  
  
"You see, I'm a fancy nancy guy, and Tara, how about we do a little wiggle- wagg...OW" said Jack, as Tara slapped him very hard.  
  
Borg Queen Anya said,"Now that you have rid the universe of QS and John, will you be my boyfriend?" asked Anya of Q. Q accepted, and together Anya and Q started talking in the corner.  
  
"Um, isnt there a plot still? Huh? Well?" asked Willow. When no one answered, she continued dancing with Xander.  
  
Jack and Legolas continued to nance together in non-sexual contexts, ignoring the conversations around them...  
  
....which, very strangely, happened to be about jellybeans.  
  
"Jellybeans? Jellybeans? What next, giant killer tomatoes?" wailed Opium.  
  
"Don't jinx it!" exclaimed the Borg Queen.  
  
"Too late," giggled 17 maniacally.  
  
"Yes, too late," said Sleepy Smurf. He went to his mushroom and went to sleep.  
  
"But I wanted to play chess with you. What am I going to do now?" said 17.  
  
Right then, everyone said, "I will play!"  
  
"Gee, it looks like we are going to have to narrow down by having a contest," said 17.  
  
"I will make it.... a wet t-shirt contest!" she announced.  
  
All the guys whooped. 17 rolled her eyes. "Men..."  
  
"But only if the guys take their shirts of first" said Willow.  
  
Spike and Xander whipped their shirts off, and Legolas and Jack followed. Q thankfully declined, instead of turning into a younger guy.  
  
"I'll get the hose!" said Tara. "Hey, wait a minute! This is character asasination! On BTVS I played a cool, shy, nice lesbian, not a sleazy guy- wannabe!  
  
Just then, Legolas and Jack started nancing and dancing shirtless, and that was cool, but still didnt give the story a plot. Something had to be said.  
  
"Q, there is something I have to tell you" said Anya."I'm pregnant with your baby!"  
  
"But, Anya...how do you know it's not mine?" said Jack.  
  
"Jack! I though you were MINE!" said...  
  
...JS.  
  
Just then, some soap opera music started playing, causing everyone to look around. All of a sudden, Anya's baby was 10 years old. "Aha, he looks like Q, but then again, he looks like Jack," said Anya, who felt light all of a sudden from the lack of baby weight.  
  
"I think our sperm had a duel, but noone won, so they compromised," said Jack.  
  
"So, who's the Daddy?" asked Q.  
  
"You are Q, why don't you tell us? You are the all wise being of the universe,"said Picard.  
  
"Well, There is only one thing I cannot control in the universe, and that is Soap Operas," said Q while looking down at the ground.  
  
Then 17 interrupted, "Hello, anyone here? What about the contest?  
  
"Oh, shut up," said Sheridan, and he proceeded to shut 17 up by hosing her down.  
  
"Excuse me, you dingbat nutcase!" 17 spluttered. "And I'm not even wearing a see-through T-shirt!" She proceeded to take her revenge by slapping a large cream pie in Sheridan's face.  
  
Anya's kid laughed at all the fun and decided to join in the pie-throwing.  
  
"Argh!" exclaimed Opium, "You're wasting all the pie on bloody JOHN SHERIDAN?"  
  
"He's not worth it, don't you know that?" Buffy fell in.  
  
"Besides, he's dead" Opium said.  
  
"Do you have a problem with dead people?" Buffy asked Opium, "I died too, you know. Twice."  
  
"You did? Oh, right, then you're not worth it either. Therefor, I'm NOT going to throw pie at you." Opium said.  
  
"Really? Not even if I do this?" asked Buffy, as she put an apple pie up Opium's face.  
  
...and Opium woke up. With pie on her face.  
  
"Sorry, I didnt realize Tara and Willow put sleeping potion in the pie, to be used if John starting talking" said Buffy, as Willow, Xander,Anya and Tara pied Buffy with a huge pie.  
  
There was another flash, and OJake appeared with Arwen.  
  
"I thought, hello, we have Legolas, why not Arwen-she's my girlfriend." said OJake.  
  
"But...cant we have Aragorn?" said Legolas.  
  
"Where am I? Legolas...nice to see you! So i'm in the Sci-Fi-Con, eh? said Aragorn.  
  
"Hi Aragorn" said Arwen. Aragorn, however, had started talking to Jack and Legolas, and ignored Arwen. 17 shook her head. So Spike and Buffy kissed, causing 17 to shake even more.  
  
"That's it, I'm out of here!" said 17. "Spike/Buffy... pie... getting hosed down by bloody JOHN SHERIDAN... I'm off to Minbar for a long deserved holiday!" And she took the next available flight to the homeworld of the Minbari Federation.  
  
When 17 finally reached Minbari Prime, she was in disbelief that the planet was celebrating Pi day. People were going around wearing Pi shirts, reciting the numbers of pi, even pi throwing contests.  
  
Meanwhile, everyone was having too much fun watching Spike/Buffy kiss to notice that 17 was gone.  
  
On a whim, Q decided it would be a good idea to beam everybody into the cold vacumn of space.  
  
So he did.  
  
And thus everybody died.  
  
"Q, you have failed" said Picard, who was sitting in a floating isometric set peice.  
  
"But I was testing humans, not the other way around!" said Q.  
  
"Not here, in the Sci-Fi-Con." said Picard. Picard got up, and Q was sent back.  
  
"Aragorn! Dont you see me?" said Arwen.  
  
"Yes, but I am in presence of a Prince and a Pirate, so I must talk to them" said Aragorn.  
  
"Don't worry" said Xander to Arwen," Aragorn will come around".  
  
"Xander!" said Willow, before she was caught by the PG13 police.  
  
"Hey, what about the plot?" said Tara.  
  
"Oh, right...Q! Jack! Which one of you is going to marry me?" said Anya. Q went on one knee to propose. But Jack...  
  
had his eye on Tara.  
  
Tara, of course, being gay, didn't notice him at all and kept playing with a girl she found in outer space.  
  
Meanwhile, 17 shot + pi pi-wearing Minbari out of pure rage. She suddenly found she liked pie better, and wanted to return. However, she missed the flight by just pi minutes.  
  
Then OJake woke up and realized that at least the last three posts had been no more than a dream.  
  
So he went and had 17's name legally changed to Sue.  
  
Meanwhile, NAHTMMM went into deep and violently frightened hiding as he considered the possibilities inherent in hiding behind Zeke and inducing 17 to keep exclaiming at him until she let multiple !'s slip, then running away before the carnage began. This was legal since this is his second post of the day and so doesn't count either.  
  
"Q! You have failed. Miserably. Again. You are the weakest Q" said Picard. Everything had time-traveled back to the end of Opium's last paragraph.  
  
"Q, you have let forumgoers do all sort of naughty things!" said Crusher.  
  
"I'm just Q! I'm not OJake!" said Q, miserably. Meanwhile, a curfufle broke out among Spike, Jack, Legolas and Aragorn over who nanced the best.  
  
"Boys,boys, there's only nancer, and that's Spike!" said Buffy, as B/S kissed.  
  
"And did everyone forget about my child?" said Anya.  
  
"Yes, you're a B-plot, get used to it!" said Willow.  
  
"Um, look" said Tara, as the forumgoers threw e-pies at each other," Look, get along for Zeke's sake! Us poor Sci-Fi-Conners are getting dizzy from all this time/sleep travel!"  
  
"Has anybody seen OJake lately?" asked Tara.  
  
"Yes, he was right there just a minute ago waking up from--" Q said.  
  
"No he wasn't" Xander interupted him.  
  
"Oh, right. Wrong timeline" Q said.  
  
Meanwhile, 17 had tied NAH to a chair with duranium chains and was slowly torturing him by making him watch endless re-runs of Keanu Reeves' old movies.  
  
"Kill me! Kill me now!" screamed NAH, as Speed went into it's 157th replay.  
  
"But we've only just started," said 17, with an evil glint in her eye.  
  
NeoMatrix dashed into the room. "Holy smokes!" he panted, "There's a bunch of FBI agents coming this way, to find out who this mysterious '17' person is!"  
  
"Let them eat cake," said Sue dismissively, mainly because the writer couldn't think of any better quotes at the moment. "Federal agents' efforts are hopelessly futile."  
  
"They've got the CJP with them too!" Neo added.  
  
"Oh no!" Sue exclaimed in a flurry of panic. "I knew I should never have made that 'chili dog' comment!"  
  
17 beamed NAH over to Z'Ha'Dum and dropped a couple of nukes on his head. "End of story," she said smugly, and decided to begin the story anew.  
  
"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, an dark figure appeared on the horizon..."  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH" said OJake, as the figure came closer.  
  
"What is it?" asked Arwen.  
  
"I had this really bad dream that I wasnt in control of the story anymore!" said OJake, just as Aragorn, Legolas and Jack Sparrow started singing showtunes and nancing and dancing and watching "Runaway Bride". Spike and Buffy kissed like bunnies, and Tara randomly slapped Jack whenever he looked her way. Q and Anya ate chilli and cheesedogs, and OJake screamed again.  
  
"What the??? Everything is nuts and crazy and strange, and my magic typewriter is gone! Who is Neomatrix? Who is 17? Who are they?" asked OJake.  
  
"We are the Forumgoers. Restistence is Futile". said the goers. Unfortunately, the story had joined Topic Title in the shadowy realms of the quasi-sentient and refused to be started over. So, while OJake whimpered about his bad dream and everyone else nanced and stuff, The Sue Formerly Known As 17 was not able to escape the consequences of forgetting just how thick and hard NAHTMMM's skull is.  
  
Sure enough, the nukes bounced off his head and actually rebounded back into orbit, where they made a mess of Sue's spaceship's exterior color scheme.  
  
"Aargh!" Sue howled, as alarms went off all over her ship, "Now I'll have to paint it all over again!"  
  
Q and Borg Queen Anya attacked NAHTMMM's skull, too.  
  
"What's going over there, a little spat?" asked Jack.  
  
"We must let them find patience within themselves to stop fighting" said Legolas.  
  
"Yes, and Runaway Bride is not over yet" said Aragorn.  
  
Arwen, Spike, Xander, Willow and Buffy had all gotten very sick of all the topic-jumping, and had started playing poker with kittens instead of caring what was going on.  
  
"What the???" asked Picard,"I thought we had escaped this!"  
  
"Yes, dear, we had..but for some reason we keep coming back" said Crusher  
  
"Red sock blue sock orange sock pink sock" said Data, as Geordi, Worf, Riker, and Troi tried to shut him up.  
  
Q started to play showtunes again. Everyone started dancing and singing with Data.  
  
"I just love how humans are easy to manipulate"  
  
"Im not human." Data said.  
  
"Neither am I," said Legolas. "I just love dancing."  
  
Meanwhile, Arwen, Spike, Xander, Willow and Buffy were in another room playing poker still.  
  
"I hear music," said Buffy. "Music makes me get in the Vampire slaying mood."  
  
So Buffy runs off to kill some Vampires.  
  
The rest follow her.  
  
"Meow, and I was winning too," said one of the kittens.  
  
"Lets go dance and sing," said one of the other kittens.  
  
"Ok," said the rest of the 17 kittens. And they all left the room and started singing and dancing.  
  
They sang so loud that even through the vacuum of space, some people with good ears, back at Deep Space 9, got the song in their heads, even though they didn't notice any singing. However, they started singing the songs too, and after a while, everybody at Deep Space 9 was singing it.  
  
"That's enough" said...  
  
...Picard, who was getting really angry," I'm a MAIN CHARACTER and I'm being treated like OJake or Anya!"  
  
"It's really not good to insult the people with..." said Crusher.  
  
She was interupted by OJake, who started writing, and Anya, who started to yell.  
  
"I am the Borg Queen! I can kick you back into Locutus-land!" she said.  
  
"No, you cant" said OJake,"I just wrote you are now just a demon!  
  
"But...Q will help. Where is Q?" said Anya.  
  
Meanwhile...as much nancing and dancing went on,  
  
"I think there is another dancing demon because Q just burned up!" said Spike, as Jack, Legolas, Aragorn and two others started singing "YMCA" in costume. 


	5. Chapter 5 pgs 9 and 10

A/N: I own none of this. Just to make that clear. WARNING: Sex changes, Mary-Sue's, and gratuitous weirdness.  
  
BOOM.  
  
Something blew up.  
  
Then, tranqulity...A blank white screen.  
  
Running,running.  
  
John Sheridan was running .  
  
"WhereamI? WhereamI?"  
  
Echoing into the distance...  
  
"Delenn?Kosh?Anyone?"he asked, as he slowed to a walk  
  
A sudden flash of colour.  
  
Pink. Blue. Red.  
  
John looked up, in horror,at a giant cake descending upon his head....  
  
The Piealith was back for revenge. Josie did not come and warn them like last time. It looked like certain DOOM this time. There were no pies ready and everyone was too drunk to do anything about it.  
  
John was hit by the pie. He died instantly, but the death scene was not implicint enough and left room for the possibility that he would come back.  
  
Everyone cheered. Picard, Crusher, Troi, Riker, Worf, Geordie, and Data, along with Willow, Xander, Buffy, Spike, Tara and Anya, and OJake, all cheered. Legolas let a sinle tear fall down his cheek. Aragorn did a whole "brother, king, annoying redshirt" speech. Jack Sparrow passed around rum and pie. Everyone was glad to have the pie, as all the dancing, nancing, prancing and singing had left them hungry.  
  
"Well, we've quelched the Sci-Fi-Con Big Bad" said Tara.  
  
"But what about me?" said Khan, "I have not yet succeeded in giving everyone gender change surgery!"...menacing music sounded, and some DOOM or MOOD ensued...  
  
... as everyone underwent gender change surgery.  
  
Xander was glad to be male again. Willow, still liking girls, wasn't gay anymore. Everyone else was. Q didn't like looking like a woman, and tried to turn back to being male, but he couldn't. There was a flash and he was gone, back to the Q-Continuum to see if anybody there could help him.  
  
John Sheridan screamed like a girl. Crusher pounded her into dust. Picard put on a pink dress. Torres and Seven wrestled in the WWE. Aragorn spent days preening her hair. John Crichton screamed like a girl. Aeryn pounded her into dust. Josie mooed his poor heart out. 17 was murdered for blatant sexism and betraying the feminist cause. Essential amino acids danced a happy dance.  
  
Secretly, Tara and Willow where working on a way to turn Xander back into a girl, because Willow really loved him, and Xander was pathetic without Willow.  
  
OJake gave up on character, plot, and story writing, and became a writer for "Enterprise".  
  
Once Xander was a girl again, people started to know how to get the potion.  
  
"Yes, on of us needs it!" said Aragorna and Legolas together.  
  
"Let's not think about that subject, I need more rum and coke" said Jacklin. Anya raged over the loss of the hot guys, and insisted at least some of them where returned.  
  
Q was weeping over how Tara and Willow where so much more powerful than him. So he summoned the Ultimate Big Bads to punish them...Wesley Crusher, Chakotey, Quark Snyder and...  
  
Torres.  
  
Meanwhile, Xander, even though was a girl again, complained that the potion did not give her boobs back. She cried, "Im not me without my boobs." She then goes off to find a Boob enlargement potion. She actually found it quickly. She found the potion in a Spam email message. She was happy again.  
  
Jack found some rum and coke in the pantry.  
  
The Big Bads couldn't punish Tara and Willow unless they had a written 5 year contract with Q. Also, to make things worse, Chakotay had a friendship contract with Tara.  
  
And so they all killed themselves. They went to the Happy Hunting Grounds, where...  
  
they hunted happily. For two days. Then they were summoned back by Willow and his Urn of Osiris.  
  
Willow wanted to watch them perform "Chicago", "Showboat", and of course, "The Theme from M*A*S*H". So s/he did.  
  
Xander was delighted at this, and asked Willow to marry her(him). They wanted a big wedding, but became confused with all the gender switches, and so eloped.  
  
"What the frell?" said Buffy, "I didnt get to wear a dress, er tux!"  
  
"Yes, that was all part of my bad-bum plan!" said Khan.  
  
Legolas and Aragorna were still fighting over who, if either, should be changed into a guy again. Even with his wise age, Legolas was totally confused and wiered out, esspecially by Jack Sparrow, who made a good woman.  
  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" yelled OJake.  
  
He had just realized Buffy didn't have super-powers anymore, because the Slayer is always a girl. Buffy himself hadn't found out yet, but soon would, because there was a big red demon coming at him.  
  
"AAAARRRRRGH!" screamed Buffy as the monster pounced on him. There was a horrifying squelching sound...  
  
...as the moster fell on Legolas's spiked heals and got very angry. The monster was really Khan in disguise, because a Khan in disguise "khan't" really see very well.  
  
Meanwhile, Willow and Xander went on their honeymoon to Niagra Falls, where they met up with Anya and Q and had many quirky incedents, including the infamous "Dude, wheres my heart" incedent. Meanwhile, Legolas said,  
  
"See, when you have spiked heals, you save lives. You simply have to where them sparilngly". Aragorna, Jacklin, and NeoMatrix all listened intently.  
  
OJake started crying, as even though he pretended he didnt, he really did care where the plot was going.  
  
He had conveniently lost his typewriter, and he couldn't write himself a new one, because he had lost his typewriter. All he could do now was to be just another character in the story.  
  
And so the plot swirled around and around and around and around as someone flushed it down the toilet.  
  
"Where is the plot going?" asked Catalina Marina.  
  
"To the ocean!" crowed Opium.  
  
"We're doomed, we have no plot whatsoever now," said NeoMatrix.  
  
17 decided to gather the entire group, which is everyone that has ever been mentioned in forum. They ended up having to find a large stadium to hold everyone.  
  
NeoMatrix gets up to the mike and addresses the crowd. "First of all, there is no spoon. Second, there are about a 1000 Piealiths heading here right now. They should be here in about 47 days. Lastly, John Sheridan has been kidnapped. As you know, he is the only one that can stop the Piealiths."  
  
OJake stood up.  
  
"We know you've kidnapped John! We know it was you" said OJake.  
  
"No, it wasnt" said NeoMatrix.  
  
"Oh yes it was" said the crowd.  
  
"Oh no it wasnt!" said NeoMatrix.  
  
"Oh yes it was! Why else would you be driving a cargo van?" said Aragorn  
  
17, clearly shocked, went over to the van. Alas, there was John, along with OJake's typewriter, the spoon, and much pie.  
  
"NeoMatrix, you've been sabatoging the plot all along!" said 17.  
  
"Well, it wasnt just me," said NeoMatrix, "John and OJake helped too!"  
  
John spoke up and told everyone that he was the one who staged the whole kidnapping thing. However, he did not say who helped him. Everyone stopped arguing with each other and turned towards John.  
  
"How could you do this? It was an innocent spoon," said OJake.  
  
"And as you see, my van is parked over there, and has 'Neo is the One' written on the side. This one has '17 is the One'," said NeoMatrix.  
  
"This isn't my van. Mine says "John Rules" on it," said 17.  
  
"Then who's van is it?" said Legolas.  
  
"For one thing, they have a crush on 17," said Ojake.  
  
Everyone looked at John.  
  
"I don't even own a van," John protested. "I rode my motorcycle here."  
  
"But you don't have a motorcycle," 17 told John.  
  
"I know, I stole it from Garibaldi," replied John.  
  
"Thief! Plunderer! Philistine!" howled NeoMatrix, and he started clubbing John on the head with a baguette stolen from 17.  
  
"Oh, that is SO it!" exclaimed 17. "First somebody vandalizes my van by spraypainting drabble all over it, and now somebody steals my Baguette of THWAPping? Someone in this story is going to DIE!"  
  
She grabbed an extremely large Compression Phaser Rifle and pointed it at...  
  
And then...Sisko, Giles, Joyce and Jadzia sitting in a newsroom.  
  
"Welcome to Sci-FI-Con News, you newest news source" said Sisko.  
  
"Today: What are the forumgoer politics?" said Joyce.  
  
"What is the history behind John and OJake?" said Giles.  
  
"Who is Anya's baby's dad? OJake? Q? Jack?" said Jadzia.  
  
"In weather, chance of falling pies, good chance of BOOM's" said Sisko.  
  
"Are 17 and NeoMatrix in love, or in competion?" said Joyce.  
  
"Are John and OJake brothers in an evil alternate universe" said Giles.  
  
"Could Jack really sleep with Anya after she slept with Q?" said Jadzia."Why did Khan sexchange people?And now back to whatever was here before...or not"  
  
...John's motorcycle.  
  
Nobody noticed because they were watching the news report.  
  
"Wait a minute! We have never seen John before a couple of weeks ago, and he is already made a big impact here. Where did he come from? Is he some kind of spy?" said 17  
  
"Well, I think he came from your dangerous imagination 17. You created him, made him immortal, and caused him to run loose in our lives. Its all you 17, and you must be the one to destoy him. Do us a favor and get rid of him with your mind." said NeoMatrix.  
  
"Mwahahaha!" John laughed, as he dropped another nuke.  
  
There were bodies everywhere.  
  
"What happened?" 17 asked a random passer by.  
  
"Haven't you heard yet?" was the freightened answer, "John Sheridan is bombing the Minbari homeworld, and rumors are, he's going for Cardassia Prime after that."  
  
"He's slowly taking over the universe?" 17 asked.  
  
"No, I don't think he's doing it slowly. And it's completely random. There's no telling where he will strike next."  
  
"But you just said --"  
  
"Those are rumors. They're probably not true."  
  
"Right..."  
  
Then, there was a loud sound, and all went black, as another nuke got dropped. "WHOA! I just had the weirdest dream!" 17 exclamed as she woke up.  
  
"Welcome back to Sci-Fi-Con News, for this breaking story: Was it a dream, or did a nuke really just hit the stadium" said Sisko.,"Jadzia is on the prowl to investigate."  
  
"Well Sisko, there seems to be a problem getting anywhere close to the stadium, because there are road blocks and "nuclear hazard" signs everywhere. Thankfully, Odo has gone in to investigate" said Jadzia.  
  
"I'm here from the centre of the disaster,talking to Xander, Willow, and Tara" said Odo.  
  
"Well, there was this big load sound, and we were okay, but... "said Tara  
  
"At least it got John, and OJake to!" said Xander.  
  
And from the newsroom, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Sisko.  
  
"But I did manage to save OJake, although it meant letting John die" said Willow  
  
John was quite alright, but he couldn't find any of his 'friends'. He didn't care, though, because he was in a paradise. Delenn was there too. It was either seven years ago, or a couple of centuries into the future. He was in some sort of Nexus.  
  
Xander and Willow were glad to be rid of John Sheridan again.  
  
"Welcome back to the news, as we answer the question,"Why are we so bored Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturadays and Mondays" said Sisko.  
  
"That's a stupid question.*stares* Just kidding" said Jadzia.  
  
"The reason is simply. Nothing new can be added these days, so we end up singing showtunes, dancing and nancing" said Joyce. "It's sort of like Chakotay on Voyager  
  
"How dare you...did you say Chakotay? Never mind, insult on" said 17.  
  
"Yes, with OJake ill,we must rely on the creativity of the forumgoers" said Sisko.  
  
"Yah, well, with all the essays, monologues, and scenes, all you get is this newscast" said Opium.  
  
And with that,the newsroom team did the Happy Hamster dance.  
  
John woke up with a bad headache.  
  
"Man, that was one weird nightmare I had. Why do I keep dreaming about nuking my friends? Why was everyone at that stadium?" asked John to himself.  
  
John looks around and sees he is not at home. Instead, he is on an island with peaceful natives.  
  
"Where am I?" asked John.  
  
"You were sent here to be cured," said a native.  
  
"Cured from what?" asked John.  
  
"It appears you have 2 personalities. When you get angry, you lose control and causes your evil self to take over," said the native.  
  
"You mean I am the one that keeps nuking innocent people?" asked John  
  
"Yep," said the native.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" John screamed and ran around the island in circles having hysterics.  
  
With that scream, John woke up quickly and saw that he wasn't on the island anymore, but back at the train station. He had passed out on the train waiting for it to leave the station.  
  
"Whoa, that was one weird dream. Wait, didn't I say that in my dream?" said John to himself.  
  
John looked around at the other passengers on the train. The native that spoke to John in his dream was sitting across from him reading a newspaper. The front page had a picture of NeoMatrix and 17 speaking at some conference in a stadium. There was a picture on the wall of the train of the island in his dream. Plus an ad on white vans.  
  
"Was I really dreaming?" asked John.  
  
"No," said the girl next to him, "You just appeared, just like--"  
  
"Yes," said the native, "You were really dreaming."  
  
"I don't know what's real and what's not anymore!" he cried out. "I've lived and died so many times that I've lost count. All my days have blended into the nights. I can't tell the difference between waking and sleeping anymore. I'm so tired, I just want to end it all, and end it now!"  
  
The girl looked at him sadly and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, John."  
  
She took a cristal boll out of her pocket and showed John a few of the people he's met in the last couple of months. Willow and Xander flashed by, kissing, while Tara was looking at them jealously. Then OJake came into view.  
  
"He's trying to figure it all out too," said the girl. "And failing," she said after a short pause. "You see, there is no plot, and he still doesn't get that."  
  
"But what does that have to do with me?"  
  
"You must look beyond the obvious."  
  
"What's obvious?" John asked, "I'm having these strange dreams which aren't dreams, and I keep dying and coming back. I just want to die... I mean stop dying... Stop living!"  
  
"John, that cant happen," said a voice from the dark. "You see, John, you are here. You cant get out. Poor OJake, he is stuck to, not dying but not quite living. Please understand" Tara said, stepping out from the dark.  
  
"But how CAN I? You keep me here, and all I get to do is DIE!" said John  
  
"You are-how can I put this-you are a punching bag. Everyone's frustrations over midterms, overdue bills, etc, is released through killing you" Tara said.  
  
"Then why cant it be OJake? Legolas? Jack? Xander? Spike?" said John.  
  
"Because they are all interesting, cool, and at least sorta cute, to totally hot" said the Girl.  
  
"You are ours, but one day you will go back to syndication" said Tara.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled John.  
  
"It is the way of the world," she said. "You must accept it."  
  
"No! Leave me alone! I don't want to die anymore; I don't want to be a part of this story anymore! Let me out! Let me out!"  
  
John slammed his fist into Tara's midsection and began running. He ran for a long time, and the mocking laughter of the forumgoers followed him everywhere he went. The laughter was not loud enough to be obvious, but it was always there, echoing at the periphery of his perceptions, trailing him like a persistent demon.  
  
"Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"  
  
So the mountain he happened to be running over left him alone.  
  
By some odd coincidence, with which O'Pipp surely had nothing to do, Jonas happened to be transported to the newly-vacated spot of ground directly beneath John just moments before a new largish dent in the landscape appeared, with the result being a pair of simultaneous grisly deaths.  
  
One of the forumgoers put another quarter in the machine. Sure enough, another John Sheridan appeared some yards away, still dazed from his fall to DOOM!.  
  
"I..must get..those quarters," said John.  
  
John picks up a phone and calls Mario.  
  
"Hey Mario, I need your help. I keep dying, then coming back like nothing happened. How did you get out of that curse?" asked John.  
  
"Is this Luigi? Please don't tell me you are still stuck at that Mansion," said Mario.  
  
"No, this is John Sheridan," said John.  
  
"Oh! I will be right over," said Mario.  
  
But, on the way, Mario was struck with a lawsuit that said video games harmed children, and he could not come to John. So John sadly returned to the island with Girl and Tara.  
  
"Why is life so hard?" he asked, "Even Mario cant come to my aid!"  
  
"Look, you think you have it tough?" asked Tara," Willow is with Xander, and I cant go with anyone because it would be slash! And OJake, well..." OJake was on the island.  
  
"Plot. Must. Save. The. Plot," he said,"John, help me save the plot! Please!"  
  
"I think...I think this IS a plot!" said John. OJake was cured, and he danced around. Unfortunelty, he accidently hit John into a cavern. John died.  
  
"Oops, I'll just write him back" said OJake, as he took out his typewriter."let's see, how about...Jack Sparrow saves him!" Everyone groaned.  
  
Colored fragments of dreams began drifting from the sky like the first slow leaves of autumn. Curled up on the ground like a newborn child, John felt the weightless flakes descending upon him.  
  
He didn't care. He was beyond caring; he was too tired to bother about what would happen to him next. There was no point, for he had realized that nothing he did could change a thing. Nothing in the world could free his fate from the puppet controls of whoever was writing the story. All he wanted was for consciousness to leave him alone so that peace could finally know him.  
  
And in the silence, the shards of dreams continued falling.  
  
Legolas came, and Aragorn and Jack, all very happy, dancing and prancing and singing along, practices archery and sword fighting. OJake and Kira were happily eating a picnic with Willow and Xander, QS and 17.  
  
Data was talking about socks with a cow named Josie, and Geordie was trying to make a computer from potato chips, and Picard and Crusher ate crosants at a roadside cafe.  
  
Wesley and Worf played chess, jealusly watching Riker and Troi make chocolate cheesecake. Tasha Yar was in paradise afterlife.  
  
Bashir and Dax were discussing the psycology of Klingons, while Odo entertained the locals with changing tricks. Obrien, Nog, Leta and Rom played Bridge.  
  
And John was sure everyone was plotting agaist him, even in his own dreams.  
  
John found himself on a big giant couch with a Tv in front of him. He picked up the remote and turned on the tv. The Twilight Zone was on, and the episode began something like this: "John Sheridan led a normal life, until one day he started dying every day."  
  
"Am I dreaming, or am I on an episode of the Twilight Zone?" asked John Sheridan to himself.  
  
Just then, he heard the theme song to the twilight zone coming out of nowhere.  
  
And then a gunshot, and then silence.  
  
John looked at the growing crimson pool around his feet with interest. It looked a lot like blood.  
  
It didn't take him very long to realize that it actually was blood. And it took him even less time to realize that it was his own.  
  
After that, there was a incredbly brief interval between his body slumping and his body hitting the floor.  
  
And after that, life went on as usual, except this time without the creepy theme music.  
  
"Ooooh, so that's how well I am when I'm filled with rum" said Jack Sparrow.  
  
"I think, I think you KILLED him!" said a shocked Legolas.  
  
"Dont worry, OJake is writing me healing him" said Aragorn.  
  
And John was healed.  
  
"What? Why, you were in my DREAMS, you're not real!" said John.  
  
"If we arent real then you arent alive" said Aragorn. John punched him.  
  
"Wait! Aragorn, you cant hurt John this post!" said Picard.  
  
Crusher rushed in, and treated Aragorn's black eye.  
  
"Please, let me have some fun and food and drink. PLEASE!" said John. So everyone from the last 10 posts played Bingo. But the prize was...  
  
...to be able to freely escape OJake's power over writing their life.  
  
A certain character from the Mainframe of Matrix, which I cannot mention until Sunday, said to John, "The reason you cannot die is because you are stuck in the matrix. There was a glitch that we cannot fix without resetting the whole matrix."  
  
"Then reset the matrix!" cried John, "Or get me out of it! I just want to die!"  
  
"No can do. That would solve our major plot line, and the story is far from over."  
  
"At least when you die, you come back as yourself" said Data." I am B4! I talk about socks. SOCKS! I could be used in many plot-defining ways! But SOCKS it is!  
  
"You are computer. I am a human being, I think," said John." When it was said, 'My only regret is I have but one lfie to give for my country', they did not mean THIS!"  
  
"But you provide an outlet from analytic English courses that debate everything, but wont help with dysexic spelling!" said Tara," You are a fictional character;your purpose is clear. How about a game of Monopoly?"  
  
"Did I hear a Monopoly forming?" asked QS. Someone hit him.  
  
"But they will only be a temporary escape, like hitting QS! I need ESCAPE! With captitals!" said John  
  
The Architect and John met again.  
  
"I'm afraid was a little short with you last time we met," said the Architect.  
  
"Yeah, just a little," said John.  
  
"Well, to tell you the truth, I am your father. I created you, then programmed you so you would never die by natural causes."  
  
"WHAT!?!" screamed John is disbelief.  
  
"However, I did create a way for you to be deleted, but the controller is kept in a very safe place so nobody would delete you by accident."  
  
"Where is this controller?" asked John.  
  
"I don't remember."  
  
"You can't not remember," shouted John. "You're the Architect! You built this place! You know where everything is!"  
  
"No," said the Architect slowly, "that's a myth, that I built this place. I am just the caretaker, the gardener who prunes the leaves, who removes the weeds, who waters the shrubbery. But who created this garden? Nobody knows."  
  
"If I find that person, will I be able to find a way out of here?"  
  
"Perhaps. But nobody has ever seen him. Perhaps he is just a myth, or perhaps he is impossible to find for us who are trapped in the Matrix."  
  
"Nothing is impossible, not here," said John, and in that moment he knew he would find this creator. "And I will find a way out; it will be the last thing that I ever do here."  
  
"Actually, there are impossible things" said OJake."You can not leave us."  
  
"But I MUST! I MUST be able to be FREE!" said OJake.  
  
Tara came into the room and said:  
  
"You are free, here, you are free to go anywhere, do anything, date anyone here. You just havent tried. Sure, Legolas, Jack, Aragron, Willow, Xander, Spike, QS, Data, etc-they may pop up and kill you, but you will come back. You ARE free, remember that."  
  
"Can I date you?" asked John.  
  
"Um...I've got to go...write an exam" said Tara, as she ran out of the room.  
  
"What about you, hiding behind The Achitect's chair?" asked John.  
  
"Okay, I will date you" said the person hiding behind The Achitect's chair.  
  
So John and this mysterious person go on a date. John seems to be happy now. In fact, he realized we wasn't dying every post anymore.  
  
"It seems that love is the cure to me not dying. As long as I love people, I will not die. The reason why I have been dying so much lately is because I have been a very hating person," thought John.  
  
The midnight bells rung, which alarmed the mysterious person.  
  
All of a sudden, she was gone without a trace.  
  
Then John died...again.  
  
But even as he fell into darkness, he heard a voice in his head saying, "Sleep, and I will catch you if you fall."  
  
"Delenn!" he cried out. He reached his hands towards the slate-gray skies as the light began to fade...  
  
...and as he fell, he felt peaceful. Then he awoke, back with the crowd.  
  
"I was happy! And I was on a date!" said John."And then-I died."  
  
"Yes, you did. It's as if you have The One Ring" said Legolas. Then...  
  
a strange sound. Jack Swallow shot at the sound, but was drunk and missed.  
  
"I'm...I'm not dead!" said John.  
  
"No, no you are not" said Tara," The Writer had no reason to kill you today."  
  
"No, but I have reason! I should be the centre of all fanfic!" and Aragorn stabbed John.  
  
"Fine, I'll die again, but know, Aragorn Strider etc, I WILL be back" said John.  
  
"That's sort of the point, isnt it?" said Jack.  
  
"Yes, I suppose it is," said John, and he slumped over and died.  
  
He woke up again at 6am on the same day...again.  
  
"Look, I understand you may die again soon, so can we finish up our date?" said The Mystery Date," I really had a good time."  
  
"I agree, we really neeed a romantic subplot" said OJake,"This just isnt melodramatic enough yet."  
  
And so, John and The Mystery Date finished up their date. That night, they had their second date. They went to see "The White Stripes", then went to dinner in a swank club, and finished up the date strolling The Sea Wall in Stanley Park at dawn.  
  
"This was lovely" said T.M.D.," Now if only you didnt die so much and I had a name"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't do much for the former," said John, as teardrops fell from the sky. "But as for the latter..."  
  
He leaned towards her, and even as the gentle rain embraced them in its arms, whispered her name in her ear.  
  
"Delenn..."  
  
Various 'shippers promptly swooned. 


	6. Chapter 6 pgs 1114

A/N: I own nothing of this, am just borrowing it from the people who make money from these franchises. I don't make money from this. WARNING: Contains Nutella  
  
Delenn and John decided to get married. Due to the strange life, er, deaths, er, lives of John, they flew to Las Vegas and had a quickie marriage. Xander was best man; Willow Maid of Honour; Picard performed the ceremony; Data sang about socks; and there were many guests. But...  
  
All was not well in the town of Las Vegas. There was a stange shadow creeping in from the West. Galadriel left her Middle Earth to help Legolas light the shadow. But they failed.  
  
Kira was angered that a sci-fi 'ship could actually work. So went and killed John, there on the alter, in the name of All The Ships That Failed. Of course, John could not die permeanently...  
  
They kiss.  
  
As they kissed, a mysterious cloud surrounded John. There was a voice that said "Let the dying curse be gone," then the cloud disappeared.  
  
"Delenn? That sounds like a wonderful name."  
  
She smiled. John smiled. They kiss some more.  
  
The shared flashback ended in Delenn and John's heads. John was again, indeed, very dead. Delenn cried, and Kira came back into herself.  
  
"What happened to me? she asked, "I've never killed like that before!"  
  
"It is within your mind..." said Galadriel.Tara interupted:  
  
"There is great anger within you, Kira, and it is not yours. It is as if..as if you are being controlled by someone"  
  
"How can anyone be controlled by someone else?" asked sweet Legolas.  
  
"Shouldnt your wisdom tell you that"? said Aragorn.  
  
"Um, I'm John version 47.47" said John," Can we continue with the flashback instead of fighting, please?"  
  
And the stars began falling from the sky.  
  
The scene was set for a lovely flashback, when...  
  
BOOM.  
  
"What the bloody heck was that BOOM?" asked Jack.  
  
"I wanted attention, as I am the strongest!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Um...riiiggghhhttt" said Legolas  
  
Suddenly, though, there was another BOOM, with a flash of light.  
  
Josie the Human Woman and Giles appeared in an old car that backfired.  
  
"Have we missed any action?" said Giles.  
  
"Um..." said the crowd.  
  
"I WANT MY SMUTTY FLASHBACK!" said John 47 (or was it 17?)  
  
"And get it you shall," said the Josie with a wave of her wand, "for I am the Blue Fairy and I have the power to grant you one wish."  
  
...and Éowyn appeared.  
  
"Oops, I may be a little rusty" said Josie.  
  
"Well, I was wondering how to get here!I want to be in the action!" said Éowyn  
  
"There isnt much of that right now" said John, "AND THAT"S THE PROBLEM!"  
  
"Calm down,I'm hungover! I'm sure it'll heat up" said Jack.  
  
"Er...Eowyn, hi. I've, um, got to go and...stand over there" said Aragorn.  
  
"Eowyn, how ARE you doing? Want to go to dinner" said Legolas.  
  
"That's it. I'm dying." said John, as Gimli fell in and crushed him.  
  
"Ah!" said Gimli. "A soft landing, at last... Quinn? Wade? Oh, wait, I'm in the wrong series, aren't I?"  
  
"I don't know what series you belong in," said John, standing up again, " But it's probably not this story, since I don't remember you ever killing me."  
  
"Aye, I only kill evil being, Orcs and politicians in paticular" said Gimli," But I did just kill you as I landed on you"  
  
"Um...yah. Sure. I've got to go watch those guys dance." said John.  
  
Aragorn had decided to nance, prance, sing and dance showtunes to get Eowyn to stop liking him. However, Legolas started doing the same, to GET Eowyn to like him. And in fact, she liked men who could show they liked musicals.  
  
"Oh Legolas, you are wonderful. Wanna go to Showboat?" she said. Legolas agreed.  
  
Gimlie pouted. He liked Eowyn. John and him drank a lot of beer.  
  
"Phew, another girl off my back" said Aragorn, when suddenly someone unexpected stepped into the Sci-Fi-Con...  
  
... which promptly exploded.  
  
"This is because there where to many two-character persons" said Willow.  
  
Everyone was back in the trainstation.Frodo and Samwise, Alf, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Picard,Crusher, Uhura, Han Solo,Mulder and Scully appeared.  
  
"I TOLD you the truth was out there" said Mulder.  
  
"What, in a Group Adaptive story?" asked Scully."I did one of these for 4th year sociology. It ended up being about Skywalker, Alf, Pic..wow, they're all here. Wierd."  
  
"Oh. Well then. Here they are again" said Mulder.  
  
"Huh, so which character do you guys kill every day?" asked Scully."Ours was Luke"  
  
"It's me" said John, who was twitching and shaking. A lot.  
  
Scully shot him.  
  
"What did you do that for?" asked John when he reappeared from behind a tree.  
  
"A mysterious voice told me you hadn't died for more than four days." Scully answered.  
  
"A mysterious voice?" Mulder repeated. "And you can't explain it? Let's find the source."  
  
"There!" said John, pointing to the sky.  
  
They all looked up.  
  
Unfortunately it wasn't the source of the voice.  
  
It was a very large anvil headed for them at a Ludicrous Speed.  
  
The anvil fell on them and pulped them all.  
  
Ouch.  
  
"That's odd. It missed me," said John. "I am still alive!"  
  
"There must be a reason why you are still alive," said a dying Mulder.  
  
"The truth is out there," said John.  
  
"Hey, that's my line!" said Mulder.  
  
"No it isn't!" yelled John.  
  
"Says who?" asked Mulder.  
  
"The credits," said John.  
  
"Oh," said Mulder just before dying.  
  
John turns around and walks off a cliff.  
  
"I sure hope there is water down there!" yelled John  
  
"Nope, just some sharp rocks to break your fall," said the mysterious voice.  
  
"Bummer" *Distant Splat*  
  
"Yep, it broke my fall," exclaimed John, who had a sharp rock protruding through his mid section.  
  
But, Tara, who was also sick of dying, did a spell to save Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Frodo, Samwise and Willow. They all stood in disbelief as once again John died.  
  
"Well, at least it got OJake" said Jack.  
  
"He seemed like a nice fella, all bookish like" said Samwise.  
  
"Yes, I quite liked him" said Frodo.  
  
"HEY! ISNT ANYONE GOING TO WRITE DEATH SCENE #2034?" asked John.  
  
"You are not dead yet. Would you like me to ease the suffereing?" said Aragorn.  
  
"No, but some Elven medicine would help" said John.  
  
"Sorry, I've used up all my John Death Cure" said Aragorn.  
  
And John died. Again.  
  
The old elevator came to a sudden jurky stop on the 1st floor. The rusty doors opened slowly with an annoying squeel. Tara, Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Frodo, Samwise and Willow turned around to see who was coming out. They could not see who it was because the elevator created a dust cloud around the door. Slowly the dust settled and they saw who it was. There was much surprise on the onlookers' faces when they saw that the first person to step off the elevator was OJake. He was followed by John.  
  
"I hate that elevator," said John.  
  
"Yeah, me too," responded OJake.  
  
The elevator doors squeeled to a close.  
  
"Anyone got a big can WD40?" asked Aragon  
  
"Who is Aragon?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Aragon is a loser suiter in "Merchant of Venice" replied Frodo.  
  
"If you are going to call me a loser, I shall be off" said Aragon, and he left.  
  
Then, Samwise, in one of his brighter moments, said,"Didnt we just KILL these guys?"  
  
"No, we can not die. That is our curse. Along with the trainstation" said OJake.  
  
"It needs some trees. And vines. And beautiful tapestry" said Legolas.  
  
Tara waved her hand, and it was done.  
  
"Tara, I thought you said you were agaist "frivilous magic" said Willow.  
  
"Well, it was really depressing, which is bad to health" replied Tara.  
  
The elevator ground to a halt. The yellowing lights flickered once, then died completely. They were plunged into darkness.  
  
In the silence that followed, Aragorn was heard saying, "I have a bad feeling about this..."  
  
"...because someone has just hugged onto me and is not letting go" he finished.  
  
"Really? Because I've just latched onto someone" said...  
  
agent Mulder. The Elevator continued to fall. Then, all of a sudden, the elevator turned sideways and became a train. The train stopped at an empty station. The doors opened and everyone got off. Sitting on the bench at the station was Neo.  
  
"Happy birthday" he said to Mulder.  
  
"It's not my birthday" answered Mulder, confused.  
  
"Oh well, here's a present anyway" Neo said as he gave Mulder a package and walked away.  
  
Mulder started to open the his present, but Aragorn stopped him.  
  
"This is a Mysterious Package" he said, "You can't open it yet."  
  
"Who cares about that?" said Mulder in annoyance, and swatted Aragorn's hand away.  
  
He opened the package.  
  
There was a ticking nuke in it.  
  
"What the-?!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, I'm extremely sorry--that wasn't for you. You're not John Sheridan, are you? It was for John. It's his birthday today. Here, where is he? Let me give it to--"  
  
BOOM  
  
Everyone covered their ears because it was one of those loud annoying bombs, ya know, the ones that will yak your ears off. While everyone was recovering from the bomb, 1000 cloned Agent Smiths showed up and surrounded them all.  
  
"You will all become part of my collection. Prepare to become me," said the Real Agent Smith.  
  
"No, take me instead. You do not need to waste your time with these foolish mortals," said John.  
  
"Very Well, prepare to meet your DOOM!"  
  
Agent Smith attempted to take over John's Body.  
  
"Hehe, the Borg tried to do the same thing to me," said John.  
  
See John installed a Hacker prevention program that keeps Hackers from altering his code. He also installed a Nukified Punch last week. The Following stunt should not be tried at home. This is a dangerous stunt.  
  
John gave the signal to Aragorn and ther others standing nearby to get on the train quickly. After the train left, John looked at Agent Smith and began to laugh. He then threw his Nukified punch, which knocked out Agent Smith clean out of his shoes, wiped out all the clones, and pretty much everything else within 10 miles. John looked around with a smile on his face.  
  
"Is that all you got?" asked Agent Smith.  
  
Things blew up.  
  
BOOM  
  
Agent Smith flew far and fast, landing at Mobil Ave Station.  
  
"Wow, that was a fast way to get from station to station," said Agent Smith. Holding his head, he called John on his cell phone.  
  
John picked up. The operator said, "You have a long distance phone call from an Agent Smith. Will you accept?  
  
"Yes," said John, trying to hold back his laugh.  
  
Agent smith asked, "John, is that all you got? I think this scene just went over on the budget. If we continue this scene, we will have to call in 17 to do the rest of the sound effects."  
  
John said, "I will be right over. Don't go anywhere."  
  
...of course, John didnt make it.  
  
Aragorn decided to kill John. Again. And then Gimli tried, too.  
  
Agent Smith, all 1000 of them, where left at the train stations.  
  
And then...three men came.Three men from British Columbia.  
  
The Lone Gunmen. Assisted by Willow.  
  
Together, they created a virus that killed 999 Agent Smith's.  
  
But there was still one left.  
  
Aragorn, Legolas, Tara, Neo, Eowyn, and Samwise all tried to kill him.  
  
John even tried, and died again.  
  
Something else was required...  
  
"... Nutella!" exclaimed 17 in exasperation. "I can't believe you lot were trying to create a supercharged specialeffectsoverloaded psuedokungfu fight scene without using any Nutella!"  
  
"But we only have one left," said Neo.  
  
"Only because you wasted the other 46 of them on John," said 17.  
  
"Would you like us to use the last one on Agent Smith?" asked John.  
  
"We have no way of deploying it. The last launcher got destroyed by some lazy person who forgot to take the cap off last time," said Aragorn.  
  
"Well, what do we do then? asked 17.  
  
"I know! I will deliver the last Nutella to Agent Smith," said John.  
  
"Please don't blow yourself up before you get there," pleaded 17.  
  
John delivers the package to Agent Smith.  
  
"Cool, a package for me!" said Agent Smith.  
  
He opens the package.  
  
John said,"Yes, its a cool little bomb. All you have to do is press the red button."  
  
Smith said,"Which one?"  
  
John said,"This one."  
  
There was a big explosion which will now be demonstrated by 17....  
  
"Samwise, that wont work!" said Eowyn," I have a er, different plan".  
  
"Whatever it is, let's do it!" said Legolas. So they did.  
  
So, The Lone Gunmen and Willow turned Nutella into a computer program. Most people didnt know that Agent Smith's were allergic to the digital hazelnut code, but they did.  
  
"But he wouldnt eat it!" said Samwise,"Darn shame, too!"  
  
"Well, no, that's where Legolas going into the Matrix comes in handy" said Eowyn," He will use his excellent archery skills to fire a Nutella-tipped arrow at Agent Smith, which will then create an explosion only 17 can create".  
  
So Legolas entered The Matrix and fired the arrow, which perfectly hit Agent Smith, and then there was a large...  
  
BOOM.  
  
"That didn't quite work out as it was supposed to," Legolas said.  
  
Smith snickered evilly, and started multiplying like tribbles.  
  
The tribbles got mad at Smith and started attacking the clones. After awhile, the tribbles got tired of attacking the multiplying clones, so they decided to reprogram them to look like trees.  
  
Everyone waited for the inevitable Chakotay joke.  
  
Which didnt come. In fact, nothing came.  
  
The Smith Trees were chopped down and replaced with Maple and Cedar trees.  
  
Legolas and Eowyn discoverd they loved each other.  
  
Somehow, possibly due a Tara magic spell, Eowyn became an immortal Elf, just like Legolas. They were wed in a quiet ceremony among the maples and cedars, with Aragorn presiding over it. Samwise and Frodo were the flower girls, owing to the fact that they were the only ones short enough to fit into the little dresses.  
  
"It's just like a Christmas pantomime!" shouted Samwise.  
  
"Yes, but what happened to the plot?" asked someone.  
  
"The plot? It got recycled," said Chakotay. "Oh, and how do you like my state of the art log cabin made out of Smith trees?"  
  
"I hate log cabins. I can't blow them down like I can a stick and straw house," said the angry wolf.  
  
The wolf ran off to escape an angry pig mob.  
  
And John woke up.  
  
"I had this terrible dream there where all these pigs chasing a wolf and I kept dying and...oh" said John,as he ran right into Aragorn. "So I do keep dying...I'm still here in the train station...with all of you..."  
  
Aragorn was acting funny.  
  
"Gee, since Legolas isnt around, he's on his honeymoon with Eowyn,wanna go hunt with me? Please? I wont kill you...I just want to do some manly stuff...if not hunting, how about darts? flower arranging? singing showtunes? PLEASE!" said Aragorn. "I really wanna do something with someone...all these people do is play with magic and computers..."  
  
"I'll sing showtunes while prancing around a trainstation" said Neo Anderson.  
  
And he started singing "The Beautiful Occupation" in an amazingly upbeat manner.  
  
Amazingly for him, that is.  
  
Eowyn and Legolas returned, singing.  
  
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man till I die, can't help loving that man of mine..."  
  
"See, I knew they loved men, not elves!" said Aragorn.  
  
There was an awkward silence.  
  
John jumped off a cliff. Neo/Mr.Anderson did some Matrix moves to save him.  
  
More silence.  
  
"Well, something's gotta happen!" said Tara.  
  
"Why dont you sing Brittany/Madonna style!" said Jack.  
  
"Um...I can sing and dont have to fake anything" said Tara.  
  
Willow was getting bored...and performed some magic...  
  
Then suddenly everyone was sitting at a table with a cooked Turkey in the middle.  
  
"Thanksgiving already? The year sure did fly by, said John.  
  
"Who cares? Lets Eat!" yelled Jack.  
  
The Characters of Group Adaptive Story would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  
  
"Mind you,in Canada we have Thanksgivings, in October." said Neo.  
  
And unfortunately, John wasnt that good a cook. Aragorn had to treat him for food poisoning, and it made everyone annoyed.  
  
"Poorest John, his life is full of self-caused sorrow" said Legolas.  
  
"Perhaps...perhaps his eyesight it poor" said Tara.  
  
Eowyn checked by swinging a sword at John. John flinched as she purposely missed.  
  
"Oh sure, just make me even MORE jealous" said Aragorn.  
  
And a little bird in the trees chirped as Aragorn killed John yet again.  
  
"Why do you keep killing him?" asked Neo,'Isnt that a bit harsh?"  
  
"Nah, John is just like an orc" said Aragorn,"Only less smelly."  
  
"Doesnt every Orc have a worthwhile life force?" asked Neo.  
  
"Nope. they're evil elves, not like Leggy...er, Legolas here" said Aragorn."And John...well...he's like a Christmas tree farm:They grow, yah cut 'em down"  
  
"Yes...but you only cut Xmas trees down once a year!" said John v.247.  
  
"You know, Aragorn, you're wrong about John being just like an orc, only less smelly," said Legolas. "He isn't!"  
  
Everyone looked quizzically at Legolas.  
  
"He's smellier."  
  
John was mad at that comment, and launched himself at Legolas.  
  
"Everybody was kung-fu fighting" came over the speakers.  
  
Legolas punched John.  
  
"those cats were fast as lightening"  
  
Aragorn tripped John.  
  
"In fact it was a little bit fright'ning"  
  
Legolas and Aragorn threw John out of the train station.  
  
"But they fought with expert timing"  
  
John landed and rolled down the slight hill, into the canyon. Eowyn had to save Legolas and Aragorn from also falling down the canyon. Arwen ran and gave Aragorn a big hug and kiss.  
  
"I think we need more dead people walking around" said Willow.  
  
"Dead people? Why is that?" asked Legolas.  
  
In a Q-like flash, John reappeared in the train station.  
  
"Oh, hi John. Because killing John is getting old." Willow answered, barely noticing him.  
  
"How about killing Mr Anderson?" said Aragorn," We already have enough competion for the girls!"  
  
But of course, Mr Anderson just started running around the train station.  
  
Thankfully, Legolas was fast enough to catch him.  
  
Aragorn started the incoherent mumbling he classified as singing.  
  
People screamed.  
  
Strangely, Aragorn's "singing" summomoned Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry. And strangly, hobbits hate Mr Anderson. So, they attacked him, and with an expertly weilded frying pan, Mr Anderson died. And of course, came back. So the hobbits attacked again.  
  
Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Willow, Tara, and John popped some corn and watched the scene over and over and over. Oh, but poor John choked on some popcorn.  
  
Suddenly there was white. "Mr Anderson, how are you?" asked John.  
  
"Dead again. You?" replied Anderson.  
  
"Oh, here we live again" said John. And they were back to being attacked by hobbits and popcorn.  
  
2 hours later the movie ended. They got in their cars and all went home. When they got home, they all got online and started chatting with each other about the movie.  
  
Which was, admittedly, a pretty dumb thing to do.  
  
Legolas began to shrink due to lack of attention, so Aragorn brought all the audience back. Eowyn was very happy with this development. She and Legolas caught a train to Niagra Falls, Ontario, and had a good time, and then returned to The Train Station.  
  
"Hmm, well...what should we do?"asked Frodo of Samwise. They decided to write the story Legolas and Eowyn.  
  
"So that leaves us three..." said Aragorn. However, Jack and Arwen where already discussing proper eyeliner technique. Frustrated, Aragorn, who really only had a penchant for black hair colour to cover up the grey, found John and Mr. Anderson and had a guys night...of DOOM...  
  
... which ended with them doing the most unspeakable things at a piercing parlour.  
  
"Aragorn, I feel you are in pain" said Legolas when Aragorn, John and Mr Anderson returned.  
  
"Well...yah...we sort of...went to Stick's Piercing Palace...and..." Aragorn showed his new earlobe cartilidge barbell."And there are more...".  
  
Legolas, usually composed, burst in laughter.  
  
"How are you going to expalian this to your dear Arwen? Bet she'll be sad she didnt get my Leggy" said Eowyn, barly able to talk between giggles.  
  
Frodo and Sam wondered about what other piecing their could be, but John and Mr Anderson got mad. So they killed the renewable John and Mr Anderson.  
  
"Too bad I cant do that with Aragorn" said a fuming Arwen.  
  
The man in the top hat came in and sat at the table next to the group. Everyone ignored him only because they thought he was an extra. The man spoke, for this caused everyone in the room to stop what they are doing because everyone knows that extras that speak get killed off. (Hmmm, that explains John's condition. He is a perm. extra that keeps getting killed off.) The man, showing his star status, continued by saying, "Do not be alarmed, for I have star status." John laughed at first, then stopped suddenly when he realized he didn't have star status, so he died. John came back running in the room and begged the man for star status. The man agreed, took his top hat off, and pulled out a contract for John to sign. John signed it. The man smiled, put his hat back on, and walked out the door. "Wow, I have star status!" yelled John.  
  
"Unfortunately, that's not going to work for you," said Aragorn, "as you happen to be on a show written by JMS, who sees absolutely nothing wrong in killing off major characters."  
  
"Ah, nuts," said John, as he prepared to die again.  
  
Poor John died once again, this time because Eowyn was testing her bo's new bow.  
  
"Well, Legolas, you're more skilled with bows and arrows, I'm more skilled with a sword" said Eowyn.  
  
"Dear, it was just John, no one really cares." said Legolas.  
  
John came back, this time with McCoy from Law and Order.  
  
"This man is trying to get me to charge someone with his murder...but since he's alive...I dont really care" said McCoy.  
  
And then Aragorn noticed a goo where John had died...  
  
... and then somebody's brain exploded.  
  
"Just great! More goo to clean up." said Aragorn.  
  
"Goo-goo gaaaa!" agreed a baby who asked not to be identified for privacy reasons.  
  
Aragorn was frustrated. The plot had been abandoned. The story of the Quest had turned into endless ways of killing John. Frodo and Sam were to busy writing brilliant stories to help the Quest along. Jack and Arwen seemed to be becoming an item. And what the heck was up with Eowyn and Legolas?  
  
"You've been infected" said the story's token wiseperson, Tara."You now have The OJake Syndrome".  
  
"The WHAT?" said Aragorn.  
  
"Here, let me show you" said Tara. With that, she brought OJake back. He was a shadow of his former self, wandering around in saying "The PLOT! The PLOT! What happened to the PLOT".  
  
"I'm...I'm going to get like THAT?" said Aragorn.  
  
"Well...yes, if you dont come up with a romantic subplot for yourself first" said Tara  
  
Aragorn and OJake looked at each other.  
  
"Ah, hell," Aragorn muttered.  
  
He leaned over and kissed OJake.  
  
Jack and Arwen stopped talking about proper cocktail mixing. Legolas and Eowyn stopped working with arrows. And Frodo and Samwise put down their pens. John and Mr Anderson were revived. They all watched OJake and Aragorn.  
  
And watched.  
  
And watched.  
  
And watched.  
  
And watched.  
  
And suddenly...some realization, some wonderful vision passed over everyone. An idea, a shared unity.  
  
"All that was needed was...everyone to get a...romantic sublot?Even...a creepy one? said Frodo, and Tara nodded.  
  
And so the story continued, as a new chapter began...  
  
Chapter 11: The Many Deaths of John, Part 2. Also, The Many Loves of Arwen  
  
"Why do I get the distinct feeling that I am not going to like this part?" John muttered.  
  
"Oh be quiet," said Tara, who had strangely enough found herself a fold- down chair and a bucket of popcorn. "This next bit is really good. Munch munch munch."  
  
Suddenly there was a yell.  
  
"ARAGORN! HOW COULD YOU?" said Arwen. "I was willing to die for you! But not anymore! I'm staying immortal and dating Captain Jack from now on!"  
  
Aragorn began to weep. "How...why...oh...please take me back!" pleaded Aragorn.  
  
"No" said Arwen, as she nuzzled Jack.  
  
"Eowyn, please take back" pleaded Aragorn.  
  
"Ha, I've got Legolas and immortality! And if this doesnt work out...Faramir!"  
  
For some reason Faramir jumped out from behind a bench.  
  
"Oh my, who IS this cutey?" asked Arwen, staring at Faramir, who was staring at Tara.  
  
Tara giggled. This WAS getting good. She invited Xander and Willow to watch, too.  
  
Arwen looked at Faramir, then Xander."Hmmm...which to try first" she pondered.  
  
"Coughsleazecough*" said Eowyn.  
  
"Yes, she is one for treating dear Aragorn like that" said Legolas.  
  
Suddenly, Faramir went over to Tara. "Dear maiden, how would you like to take a ride to the Gondor Library with me?" he asked.  
  
"Um...if it just involves reading and riding talking...okay?" said Tara.  
  
Willow felt a pang of jealousy, and said, "I'll come too".  
  
"I guess so?" said Tara.  
  
This made Xander feel jealous Arwen noticed, and asked him out.He said yes.  
  
This made Captain Jack jealous. He took out his gun and fired his one bullet at John. John died.  
  
And Arwen flirted some more, and John died some more.  
  
Then Arwen thought of an idea.  
  
"Whoever can kill John in the most creative way may get the chance to marry me!" she said.  
  
Aragorn cried. He was sick of this. And he was sick of avoiding OJake.  
  
All the other guys, except Sam, Frodo, Faramir, OJake and Legolas, lined up to kill John. Even John lined to kill John.  
  
Everyone killed John in creative ways. After everyone went, Arwen chose John as the winner. They went to Vegas, got married, then went to the hotel for their honeymoon. John died in bed while doing it, but Arwen didnt know until John walked in again. "Wow, it looks so different from this angle," said John. Arwen, surprised, said, "Oh my, I didnt mean to be so rough. Sorry Honey."  
  
Everyone thought that was sick and forgot about it.  
  
Arwen woke up. "NOOOOO!" she said. Thankfully, she realized the necrophelia was just a nightmare and that the the kill-John contest was just about to begin. She sat down on her throne and watched guys kill John. Meanwhile, on the ride to the Gondor Public Library...  
  
"So...how do you like this country?" Faramir asked Tara.  
  
She thought,"I wonder if he realizes..." She said:"Oh, it's wonderful, really"  
  
"That's good, yes, this is the most enjoyable route" he paused and listened. "I think there is someone following us"  
  
"Yes, that's Xander, he killed John in the contest and then started following me" said Willow."He's in love and cant have me.Oh well. So am I"  
  
Tara sighed. Faramir didnt understand and continued to stare at Tara, until he was knocked off his horse by a low branch.  
  
John died. So did Crichton.  
  
Claudia Crichton, that is, who was John Crichton after his sex change.  
  
Meanwhile, Tara, Faramir, and Willow had reached the library. Xander was still trying to hide, though everyone knew he was there. Then Willow shot up from the book she was reading. "Oh my! Look at this info on John!" she said, as everyone looked at the info on John, which was...  
  
... scandalous.  
  
Very scandalous.  
  
"You mean like, he died?" Xander asked, surprised, "Before we met him?"  
  
"Outragious!" Exclaimed Arwen.  
  
"How did he dare?" asked Faramir.  
  
"But that's not all," said Willow, "Look!"  
  
She pointed at the next page.  
  
"John is an Elf?" said Xander." He's not pretty enough to be an ELF"  
  
"Yes, I thought I felt some sort of magic from him-I thought it was just, you know, how he's dead and all" said Willow.  
  
"Actually, I knew" said Tara. "I was going to tell you, but then this trip to the library was an easier way. You see, John is many thousands of years old. He was probably born soon after Legolas was. However, John never gained the wisdom, his choice was to live like a mortal, because he could get more girls. But every choice has its price.  
  
"Yes, so death was his price?" said Willow  
  
"How does it all work?" said Xander.  
  
"You're really wise and beautiful, Tara" said Faramir.  
  
Xander, Willow and Tara rolled their eyes. Then Tara revealed another suprise about John...  
  
... he was actually a Joanne in disguise.  
  
"Eew" said Delenn, "He's a girl? And I..." She burst into tears.  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn was starting to really regret his kiss with OJake. However, OJake wasnt. Arwen respected the fact that OJake had, erm, experimented, and so she asked him out. This made Aragorn inconsolably. "I can't take this anymore!" he shouted," I'll date anyone!"  
  
And quite suddenly, Buffy showed up.  
  
Back at the library...  
  
"Ewewewew" said Delenn.  
  
"What's wrong with kissing girls?" asked Faramir."I really like girls. I really like Tara."  
  
Tara blushed and thought of the most tasteful way to handle the situation. "Um, also...when John was Joanne she dated Figwit and Gandalf and Sarumon. In fact, it's because John/Joanne broke up with Saruman that he went evil" she said.  
  
Saruman sniggered evilly.  
  
John sneezed.  
  
Aragorn was now really annoyed, and he went on a rampage. John died 47 times. Sauramon liked seeing John die, as in his Joanne phase, he had dumped Sauramon.  
  
OJake, now a free character who didnt need to worry about plot, started writing episodes for Enterprise.  
  
And its quality improved instantly. Dramatically.  
  
Arwen suddenly yelled. 'HEY, FORGET ME DID YOU? I still dont have my boyfriend!"  
  
Aragorn was suddenly glad she was no longer his girlfriend.  
  
Jake was distracted, and the quality of Enterprise writing once again plunged back into the deep pits from whence it came. 


End file.
